Doggy Bag

So I’m telling an eight top the specials on an especially clamorous Friday night, shouting to make myself heard above the din, when I hear a dog barking. No not outside, somewhere on the side aisle! Mystified I stop mid sentence and look in the direction of the canine...

Leftovers

I was hungry at the start of my shift so I jetted to the pizzeria across the street to grab a quick slice. As I was chatting up the kid behind the counter a totally smoking babe walked past the window hand in hand with her boyfriend. In typical guy fashion we both...

Dead Waiter Doppelganger

A couple of years ago we hired a waiter, whom I will call Carl, who arrived with impeccable references. A Swiss citizen, Carl had worked in some of the finest establishments all over the world. An older man, in his fifties, he knew everything there was to know about...

Decaf

One of my pet peeves is decaf coffee. I don’t mind making it but it really irks me how some people order it. People have actually ordered coffee with declarations like, “I want decaf double espresso and if it isn’t decaf I will get your phone number and call you at...

Sit the fuck down!

So you want the best table in the house? You are not alone. Everyone in this entitled culture feels they deserve the best tables. Never been here before? Why right this way to table nirvana. Going to order $10 bucks worth of salad? Let me fall over myself while I kick...

The Rules (to be amended at will!)

Since most dining patrons are social misfits I have decided to publish some guidelines to make your dining experience run smoothly. 1 Reserve early. You want to eat out on Saturday night? Well if the place is any good it will be mobbed so plan ahead. Book a table by...

Why a blog?

There are many books about waiting tables penned by frustrated authors and wannabe loser actors, so why should I add my tiny voice to the fray? Because all of these treatments are milquestoast pussywhipped stories written so as not to offend anyone. I read these books...