Habemus Papam

I was riding back with a police officer from a welfare check when his cellphone pinged. “White smoke,” the cop said. “They picked the Pope.” “On the fourth ballot,” I said. “Quicker than last time.”  When I arrived at my office, I turned my computer to the...

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

When I came back to work from a doctor’s appointment the parking lot was crammed, forcing me to stow my car on the street. “What gives?” I asked the head admin when I came inside.  “It’s the National Day of Prayer,” she said.  “Already?” “Time flies.” ...

Yesterday, Today, And Forever 

My mother-in-law is of an evangelical flavor and, for her recent milestone birthday, asked us to attend services with her on Easter Sunday.  “Sure,” I told my wife. “Why not? If I explode into flames, it’ll make all the papers.”  “Uh,” my wife said,...

What’s In a Name?

Now that Pope Francis has gone to his heavenly reward, the handicapping and media hoopla over who’ll be the next Supreme Pontiff is underway. Although Francis stacked the deck, appointing eighty percent of the 135 voting cardinals, I wouldn’t put too much stock...

Pope Sixtus Strikes Back 

Now in the twelfth year of my reign and sick of all the ecclesiastical bullshit, I, Pope Sixtus VI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, Primate of Italy,...