We make all your problems disappear – deliciously”

Lè Menu


* Threatening phone calls delivered with a flavoring of subtle menace. 20

* Threatening phone calls delivered with powerful overtones of menace. 25

* Line caught Chilean Sea Bass wrapped in newspaper and delivered to lè problem’s doorstep. 50

* Breaking lè problem’s window with bottle of Bacardi Reserve 150 Proof Rum stuffed with flaming fine     linen. 60

* Wound infliction with a French sea salt rub. 70

* Fracturer dè Phalange. 40 per digit. 2 digit minimum

* Fracturer dè Jambe. 100 per

* Flambé dè Automobile. 400

* Baked head of equus with rosemary rub deposited in lè problem’s boudoir. Seasonal.


* Es œufs avec du cyanide. 500

* Bludgeon dè Head 525

* Étranglement du Homme. 600 (Piano wire extra)

* Poignarder avec un couteau with extra long blade. 700

* Flambé du Homme en kerosene. 900

* Poison dart with Fugu fish toxin. 1000

* Mort de Balistique .22 caliber. 1200

*Mort de Balistique. 7.65 millimeter. 1300

* Mort de Balistique 9 millimeter Luger 1400

* Mort de Balistique de .45 ACP 1500

* Mort de Balistique – High Powered Rifle 3000

* Lè Bombe!

TNT  4000
C-4  5500
Torpex  6000
Octol  7000
Chemical 8000
Biologiques  10,0000

* Mort du naturel. (The chef will be happy to make it look like a stroke, myocardial infarction or severely impacted colon.) 20,000

* Mort du Accident  (Your choice of car accident, drowning or sexual auto asphyxiation gone horribly wrong.) 25,000

* Mort én Circumstances à embarrass. (Post mortem photograph with tranny hooker included.)  30,000

* Le’ Jimmy Hoffa. 40,000 (Lè Problem will just disappear. Your choice of concrete bath, wood chipper or acid.)

* Lè permanent exile to New Jersey (Fatal to most Manhattanites) Free

Delivery Available. We take Visa, MasterCard, JCB, Diner’s Club, Discover, Sexual Favors, Cash and American Express

A 20% Gratuity will be added to murders of six or more people.

53 thoughts on “CAFÉ DE LIQUIDATION”

  1. admin says:

    Man, this is the restaurant many waiters would like to open on their darkest days! And don’t give me any merde over my French. It’s a joke.

    Comments on this one – all moderated!

  2. dane says:

    pretty damn funny, steve!

    is there like a membership discount available?

  3. Restaurant owner says:

    I just read your entire blog over the past week. Love it! I’m a little sad that the funny restaurant stories are done, but this one made up for it! Thanks for the giggle(s)!

  4. MonsterMama says:

    Okay, I will take the Poison dart with Fuji fish toxin to go please. Nice article and gave me a good chuckle of choices there are.

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  7. Tucatz says:

    Do you cater? Or at least do out-of-town deliveries like FTD? I can thing of a few people I’d like to invite to a party at which maybe Vinnie will play a little violin music, if ya know what I mean… heh heh heh heh heh…

  8. savannah says:

    bless your heart, darlin! like #6, i have to ask, do y’all cater? xoxo

  9. Cheryl says:

    First full all-out falling-down belly laugh in a month…priceless.

    Thank you so much, Steve! (I’m still breaking out in spontaneous chuckles periodically!)

  10. Angie says:

    I used to work there. Tips were great!

  11. Snickers says:

    Steve, you are so stink’n talented! Your writing is intelligent, humorous, and timely. I’d love it if you posted EVERY day ’cause your posts always make me laugh and/or think. I hope you just keep it up for a long time! This “menu” is brilliant and I’d like to order from it, please. Thank you.

  12. Lala says:

    Funny! I’d gladly order some of these for the motherfuckers that I served last night.

  13. cloudia says:

    Muerte Ala Cart

    Aloha from Hawaii my Friend!

    Comfort Spiral

  14. Beth says:

    Had a horrible night! The Hillbillies were out in full force! This totally made my night! Thanks for the laugh!


  15. Aussie mum of three says:

    This story doesn’t apply to just restaurants…
    I’m a proud mother – my son can swear in at least four languages! (actually it’s more) Swear words sound better foreign.
    I love the ‘mucus’ sound he gets in his throat when he says ‘merde’ and that gorgeous roll of the tongue that I just can’t get. A fabulous restaurant in France taught my husband and I to swear in French – so decadent….

  16. Jeremy says:

    Who do I talk to about opening up a franchise up here? We definetly need a restaurant of this caliber in town.

  17. Rachel says:

    Absolutely amazing, you made my night.

  18. Waiterrant Fan says:

    Have to ask Steve – what’s the tipping rule for hitmen?

  19. DABCT says:

    #16, I think you are going to have to wait for Steve’s new book. Hopefully we find out then.

  20. Marc says:

    Hi Steve,

    I read your complete blog a month ago and just finished your book over the weekend. As an ex-waiter I have just one word for you, “Awesome”! You’re fucking hilarious man. I had waiter dreams all weekend(can’t say that I miss them).



  21. Connie in CA says:

    Yay moderation.

    There’s a lovely Neil Gaiman story “It’s Cheaper Wholesale” (I think that’s the title) that may have a similar menu.

    I especially like – Lè permanent exile to New Jersey (Fatal to most Manhattanites)
    I think that would be murderous to most Californians too.

  22. Kelli says:

    Gilbert and Sullivan… “I’ve got a little list, they’ll none of ’em be missed.”

  23. John Bell says:

    Sick … and Hilarious!

    Loved it!

  24. omc says:

    This is the menu I would recommend to guests have an unearned sense of entitlement; the ones that think that if they dine at a certain place 3 or four times a month, they should be able to criticize everything and/or dictate what you should do to appease them.
    Loved your book, love your blog. I know your time is precious, but I’m greedy and I think I am entitled to more posts from you! LOL Keep up the good work, and I can’t wait for the next book!

  25. delivery dude says:

    Um, is the chef willing to mix and match? I see all the ingredients I want, but in different dishes. And, oh yeah – I know the Big Boss …

    thanks for the laugh 🙂

  26. Waiting says:

    Wow, I thought our prices were ridiculous.

  27. Dave says:

    Can you get a break if you know the owner??

  28. JS@NYC says:

    Loved it. While all your posts (except for those ‘list’ ones) are cool, one of the best one was Deux Ex Machina and this is as good as that one 🙂 although very different genre, heh

    LOL @ 17 and 18 and also to the guy who wanted substitutions 🙂

  29. Morag says:

    LOVE IT!!!

  30. Instinct says:

    Let’s see. Waiter has been shooting and now he has this…

    You taking up a new line of work, Waiter??


  31. Jen says:


  32. Stephan says:

    Beyootiful! Especially like the tranny-hooker touch, and a veritable STEAL at 30K!

    “I’ll come again when you have judge on the menu.”

  33. Moshizzle says:

    I love that relocation to Jersey is free! Ha.

  34. Craig says:

    After reading this humerous post, I decided to browse your archives & the first one I came across was “Final Destination 4” (8/18/06), a post about ways for people to die in a restaurant. Quite a coincidence I’d say!

  35. mary says:

    Love the menu! So good to see you posting more entries, they are always a pleasure to read.

  36. The Original Kit says:

    I damn near fell out of my chair laughing. I’m thinking of a few people I’d like to put in some orders for….

  37. Beth says:

    And if you do cater, is there a milage charge? Very clever and very funny!

  38. Emery from Washington and actually in Washington says:

    This could not have been timed better. My check is in the mail. My sister will be *so* surprised!

  39. John says:

    Now I know why I should go armed to Starbucks…

  40. Would you like some cheese with your whine says:

    Awesome, whats the drink selection like at your establishment ? 🙂

  41. Sirkka says:

    Very funny, it lighten up my evening

  42. Marina Demchuck says:

    Hello, from Ukraine !

    This for sure the interesting and amusing Blog, I like it !

    And, I know a joke……

    Englishman in France Restaurant, he call to waiter to come to him, waiter comes, Englishman asks waiter ‘does you have frogs legs’ ? waiter says him ‘yes’ Englishman says him ‘so hop in the kitchen and fetch me a bacon sandwhich will you’ ? 🙂




  43. Friend of the Carradines says:

    That was amusing right up ’til the last part of Mort du Accident. Sorry, but some of us are still a little sensitive on the subject of June 3, 2009.

  44. Becs says:

    Salade de Morte: Hearts of baby romaine drizzled with piquant hemlock oil, sprinkled with castor beans.

  45. Lisa says:

    Hi Steve!

    Just finished reading your book and just wanted to say well done. I enjoyed every bit of it. I live in Melbourne Australia and have worked in hospitality for 7 years- hillarious to think all the random stuff the arsehole customers do is the same worldwide! I could identify with it all! Everyone needs to read this book so they realise what arseholes they are- it is not us, they drove us to be bitter and twisted!! Looking forward to now reading your blog and your next books! All the best.


  46. Adrian says:

    I suppose you’ll be wanting a tip with that too?!

  47. Anonymous says:

    I feel nauseous.

  48. bette says:

    Plop plop fizz fizz….

  49. Family Cookbook - Bob says:

    Man, I’ve got to get out more often. Steve, you’re hysterical! Well done …

  50. Canadabar says:

    Back when I worked in hotel kitchens, one of my co-workers and I started talking about the place we would open, the Kevorkian Cafe. You could request a table in Surviving or Non-surviving (if non, your candle would be snuffed out when you were seated), and various menu items includes Seizure salad (in Small or Grand Mal), Deadly Nightshade mixed greens and other horrible puns. The slogan was “Make your last meal your best meal.”

  51. coffeesnob says:

    Absolutely Wonderful.
    After the day I’ve just had, a gift.
    Thank you!

  52. Johannes says:

    Is it possible to get the sea bass delivered to letterbox instead?

  53. Chrystal says:

    This is freaking HYSTERICAL. I’m delighted to tell you that after a COMPLETELY nightmarish shift, this litte gem has made my weekend. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

  54. John Prentice says:

    Neil Gaiman “We can do it for you wholesale” is well worth a read!

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