What Else Do You Do?

When customers ask me, “What else do you do?” they’re operating from the usually correct assumption that waiters are always working on another gig; singing, writing, acting, modeling, etc. However, some of us are really waiters. This is our profession. I could say I’m a writer or blogger but until 50.1% of my income comes from these sources – I’m a waiter.

Most of the time, people ask me if I have another job to make conversation. Occasionally you get the patronizing asshole who only asks the question to make you feel bad. I like to tell these lovely people I’m one of the following……

Illegal human tissue harvester

Crematorium repairman

Porn Theater Custodian

Bovine Inseminator

Truck stop serial killer (Apprentice)

Avian Flu Emergency Response Team Poultry Culler


Human Hair Doll Craftsman

Colonic Irrigation Technician

Coke Dealer

Eskimo Pie Fetish Website Operator

Embalming technician

Snuff Film Editor

Part Time Professional Assassin

Furry Wrangler

Cartoonist for the Al Qaeda Daily News

Human Remains Exhumation Coordinator

International Art Thief (A French waiter was the most successful art thief in history.)�

Gun Store Stockboy

Alternate Identity Procurement Specialist

Discarded Bubble Gum Sculptor

Stunt Cock


These responses usually slam snobby yuppies into stunned, uncomfortable, looking for the exits silence. Can you think of any others? Help me out. Thanks.

15 thoughts on “What Else Do You Do?”

  1. Liz says:


  2. Liz says:

    sorry, I burped. I was trying to say, “Equine Sheath Cleaner”

  3. Sarah says:

    Watch Dirty Jobs on Discovery Channel. That will give you some ideas… like Shark Suit Tester, Chicken Sexer, and Fainting Goat Farmer (and yes these are real jobs)

  4. Faye says:

    I worked at a place where they required that I clean a horse’s sheath. I politely refused. The owner didn’t mind, she got some weird pleasure out of it, said that the horses loved it and it made them happy. Boy, I guess it did, but never stuck around to find out.

  5. Sophist FCD, stripping chimney-sweep (bachelorette parties a specialty, additional flues $24.99 each) , says:

    Say that you don’t have another job because it’s hard to schedule one around your Hansen’s treatments.

  6. Laura Filipchuk says:

    The best ones are subtle; very odd and potentially disturbing, but just real enough to make people nervous about questioning them or discussing it further (an added bonus is anything hygienically threatening). Like embalmer, sperm bank employee (no, I didn’t say donor) or, as you mentioned, the colonic irrigation professional.
    And if they’re real jerks you can always make sure that your thumb or fingers hover dangerously close to the liquid in their glasses or the food on their plates without ever actually making contact.

  7. klg19 says:

    Oh, man. Near the end of my bartending career, I went back to school to get my bachelors degree. Customers would always ask me “What are you, an actress?” And I would say, “No, I’m a student.”

    “What are you studying?”

    “Medieval history.” (This had the advantage–and disadvantage–of being the truth.)

    This would get one of three responses:
    1) “Oh, you must love that place, Medieval Times!”
    2) “Oh, I’ve always loved King Arthur!”
    3) derisive laughter followed by “Great; you’ll end up working back here.”

    People suck.

  8. Kris says:

    Bovine Inseminator (complete with shoulder to fingertip glove)

    Tony Hawk’s Stunt Double

    Rosie O’Donnell’s Stunt Double

    Cat Herder

    Presidental Candidate

    Pet Psychic

    Santa’s Main Elf

  9. wild says:

    I’m a de-hymenator.

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  12. daz says:

    underwater fireman!

  13. Fred says:

    Apologetic psychotherapist

  14. Eliza says:

    I used to get that question a lot. I told people that I was a caregiver for a patient with early on-set Alzheimer’s. When they would comment on how difficult that must be, I would tell them “Yes, but some days she remembers that I’m her daughter and that’s really rather nice.”

    Sympathy tips were great.

  15. kirstin says:

    a nursing home bedpan technician!

  16. HULKS says:

    Professional Doppelganger

    That’ll confuse ’em…

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