When customers ask me, “What else do you do?” they’re operating from the usually correct assumption that waiters are always working on another gig; singing, writing, acting, modeling, etc. However, some of us are really waiters. This is our profession. I could say I’m a writer or blogger but until 50.1% of my income comes from these sources – I’m a waiter.

Most of the time, people ask me if I have another job to make conversation. Occasionally you get the patronizing asshole who only asks the question to make you feel bad. I like to tell these lovely people I’m one of the following……

Illegal human tissue harvester

Crematorium repairman

Porn Theater Custodian

Bovine Inseminator

Truck stop serial killer (Apprentice)

Avian Flu Emergency Response Team Poultry Culler


Human Hair Doll Craftsman

Colonic Irrigation Technician

Coke Dealer

Eskimo Pie Fetish Website Operator

Embalming technician

Snuff Film Editor

Part Time Professional Assassin

Furry Wrangler

Cartoonist for the Al Qaeda Daily News

Human Remains Exhumation Coordinator

International Art Thief (A French waiter was the most successful art thief in history.)�

Gun Store Stockboy

Alternate Identity Procurement Specialist

Discarded Bubble Gum Sculptor

Stunt Cock


These responses usually slam snobby yuppies into stunned, uncomfortable, looking for the exits silence. Can you think of any others? Help me out. Thanks.

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