This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim!

Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes

While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude customers are always inevitable. Fortunately, most experienced waiters can quickly brush off and forget such unpleasant episodes without too much trouble. However, every so often, a customer will say something so unbelievably ignorant that the sheer audacity of it boggles the mind. These sayings are not forgotten. Rather, they are retained in long-term memory, to be reflected upon and shared with co-workers, family and friends for days, weeks, and even years to come. The following are my personal favorites:

1.) “This place should have been child-proofed.”

– A mother who didn’t want to take responsibility for the fact that they allowed their child to run wild and brake an antique decoration.

No, your parenting should have been idiot-proofed. This woman just stood there and watched her child run around like a lunatic, treating the dining room as his personal playground. Even after her waitress asked her to get her child to calm down, she did nothing. Then when the child breaks something, she has the nerve to try and say that it is the restaurant’s own fault. How about stop being a lazy bitch and teach your child how to behave in public.

2.) “When it says ‘China’ on your paycheck, it’s not a vacation.”

– A customer with a highly inflated sense of cleverness after I accidentally dropped a glass and it broke on the floor.

Most waiters feel bad enough on the rare occasions that they drop and break something. They don’t need some piss-poor dining room comedian drawing additional attention to it.

Furthermore, this particular joke is just awful on multiple levels. Not only must you be a dick to find humor in the prospect of a waiter’s meager paycheck being deducted, but since when is China considered a highly desirable vacation spot? Both the setup and punchline are abysmal.

3.) “Sorry about the mess, ha ha ha.”

– A parent who acted as if the massive pile of crumbs and debris on the floor was the unexpected result of giving her toddler a bag of Cheerios to eat/play with, then laughed about it.

Fuck you, you’re not sorry. Don’t patronize me.

4.) “I KNOW it’s a pain, but we’ll be needing separate checks.”

– A table of lazy assholes who have betrayed the industry they used to work in.

It takes a real douche to be fully aware of how much of a pain-in-the-ass separate checks are and how they can slow down service for everyone, yet still request them anyway. Restaurants are not designed to give out checks to every individual who walks through the door.

5.) “I’m warning you now, if we don’t like the food, we’re sending it back.”

– A miserable, middle-aged woman with an excess of sand in her vagina

Oh boy, I’m really quivering in my boots now! I’ll just run right back into the kitchen and beg the chefs to magically make your food extra good. More realistically, I’ll ignore your unjustified threat and go back to taking care of my nicer and less hostile customers.

6.) “Can you make it quick? We have a bus to catch in 45 minutes.”

– Person who makes others suffer for his lack of time management skills

Can I make it fast? Sure! Order only a salad or maybe a soup to go and it will be out in a jiffy. But of course not, you want a full meal and now it’s my fault you’re running late. To answer your question: No, I can’t make it quick. You will have to wait just as long as everyone else. Take the risk or get out.

7.) “Only the kids get free ice cream? We should ALL get free ice cream!”

– A conniving mother

My god, some people have absolutely no shame! One day, the chef was kind enough to offer the children at my table free ice cream for dessert and one of the parents complained that it should have been offered to everyone. As painful as it was to watch the chef cave in to this complaint, witnessing his profanity tirade afterward made it worthwhile.

8.) “These sandwiches are too large! People need to be told how big these sandwiches are!”

– A woman who apparently did not want to be fed

Yes, a woman actually complained that we had given her too much food! Even the common sense concept of taking home what you cannot finish and getting another meal out of it was unacceptable.

From that day forward, I always made sure to give this warning to my customers: “Beware sir or madam, our sandwiches are very big and filling, potentially giving you with too much value for your money.”

No one has ever heeded this warning.

9.) “Just remember, we’re from New York, the greatest city in the world!”

– A tourist who expected me to be impressed that his permanent address was in New York City and give him special treatment.

Yes, it can happen, a real-life display of stereotypical New York arrogance. Thank God the mighty New Yorkers are here to enlighten us idiotic small town folk.

The real victims here are the vast majority of New Yorkers who are decent people, but will continue to suffer under the arrogant New Yorker stereotype that is kept alive by a small minority. In case anyone reading this fits into that small minority, let me make this very clear to you: NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ARE FROM NEW YORK!!!

10.) “Oh, these people act like they’ve never heard a child cry before.”

– A mother to her husband in the midst of their baby’s hellish shrieks bothering everyone in the restaurant, causing them to receive stares from about five-dozen eyeballs.

To me, this is the holy grail of ignorance. There was no need for this mother to remove her child from the room until he calmed down, or better yet, not bring an infant to a restaurant at all. The blame was clearly on everyone else for not realizing that the universe revolves around her child. Shame on all of them for expecting a peaceful and relaxing meal. I’ll must give her credit thought, she said this loud enough for most of the dining room to hear and no one stood up to her.

In closing, the lesson here is to please never, ever be like one of these ten people. For those who can honestly say they are not like this, you have my permission to feel superior about yourself.

The author can be contacted at [email protected]

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