“Hi welcome to Outback,” the hostess perkily chirps, “Two for dinner?”

“Yeah,” Fluvio replies looking grim.

“Follow me.”

“By the way is Toupee working the floor tonight?” I ask.

“Yes he is,” the hostess replies looking over her shoulder.

“Could you send him over to our table please?” I request ever so politely.

“Sure, no problem,” the hostess says. My – she’s a cutie.

Fluvio and I slide into the big booth. We grin at each other. This is going to be fun.

The server comes up and asks if we’d like a drink. Fluvio orders two Heinekens.

“Yeah and send Toupee Man over here,” I bark.

The server brings us our beers. We order two steaks. Don’t get the wrong idea from this post – I actually really like Outback.

Toupee Man comes over to our table. He looks busy.

“Can I help you gentleman?” he asks politely.

“Hello there asshole,” I say.

“Huh?” Toupee draws back like he’s been punched.

“Remember me buddy?”

Toupee’s eyes widen in recognition. His face cycles through expressions of shock, embarrassment, anger, and fear until he settles on a petulant tough guy look

“Nice place you have here,” Fluvio says, “how long have you owned it?”

“I think it’s a franchise deal,” I murmur.

“Uh, guys I don’t want any trouble……” Toupee stammers.

“Hey aren’t you supposed to kneel at the table?” I ask.

“Yeah,” Fluvio grunts, “Why aren’t you kneeling?”


“How’s your girlfriend?” I ask with a shit eating grin.

I don’t get a response. Toupee’s too busy choking on impotent rage to say anything.

“I heard the fine she had to pay was huge,” I press, “Sucks for you.”

Still nothing.

“You still seeing her? She was cute.”

Toupee glares at me.

“No?,” I say taking a pull on my beer, “Go figure.”

Toupee starts to walk away.

“You know I think you’d look better bald,” I call after him.

“Yeah, lose the piece,” Fluvio adds.

Toupee stops for a second, thinks about it, and continues walking away. We get our steaks and tuck in. I like Outback’s steaks.

The entire time we’re eating, we don’t see Toupee. Probably hiding in the kitchen like a little girl. Run and hide peckerhead. Run and hide.

We finish our steaks and pass on dessert. We settle the check, tip nicely, and leave. End of story.

I know I know. You thought we we’re going to take him “outback” and deliver him a side of ass whipping but naaa – that’s not my style. Sorry to be anti-climactic.

And besides – I still like to eat at Outback.

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