I’m telling a five top the specials when I feel a hand slide into my pants.

Catching a whiff of perfume I enjoy the sensation of delicate female fingers wriggling around in my pocket. Grasping the hard object she’s looking for she pulls out…..

….. my wine opener.

Nonplussed I continue reciting the specials. Drink order in hand I grab some tumblers and head over to the service bar. I’ve gotta make four chemistry experiments.

As I’m shaking and mixing, Beth, our cute new waitress, comes up to me.

“Sorry to grab your opener but I had to uncork a bottle on table 12,” she says meekly.

I look at Beth. She’s very pretty. I have to remind myself when I graduated college she was still wearing Underoos.

“Not a problem,” I say sliding the tool into my back pocket, “What happened to your opener?”

“I lost it.”

Pulling a spare opener from my apron I place it in Beth’s hand saying,

“Your wine opener is your life young Padawan. Don’t lose it!”

“Oh thank you Obi Wan!” Beth chuckles delightedly, “Don’t you need it?”

“I have a thousand of ‘em at home. I won’t miss it.”

Although a wine opener is one of the most important items a waiter carries – you can bet a night’s tips at least one waiter will forget or lose theirs.

“Thank you,” Beth says heading onto the floor properly equipped.

A little while later I find Louis in the kitchen smelling his corkscrew.

“Now that’s interesting.” I deadpan.

“Smell this,” he says proffering me his opener. Warily I take a sniff. It’s a pungent sweet odor I can’t place. It isn’t wine.

“That’s weird. What is it?” I ask mystified.

“Pot resin.”


“I cleaned out my bong with the foil blade last night. I guess I forgot to wash it.” Louis says grinning.

“So when a customer smells the cork they catch a whiff of Maui Wowie instead of Merlot?” I ask.

“Actually it’s BC Bud.”

“Whatever. Use the steamer to clean it off.”

Louis laughs and blasts his opener clean with a sterilizing blast of hot water from the espresso machine.

Louis takes the term “Waiter’s Helper” to a whole new level.

Wine openers. They’re not just for wine anymore.

Share This

Share This

Share this post with your friends!