I was thinking about writing this long involved essay on tipping. I struggled with it for hours and then gave up. You know why? Because most of you are smart enough to know a waiter is supposed to get at least a 15% gratuity. Just let the following horror stories speak for themselves…………………

1. A table’s bill is $208.85. It’s a four top. They have a $100 gift certificate. They ask me to deduct the gift amount and split the remainder between two credit cards. I present the men with credit card slips for $54.42 and $54.43. The tips are $8.16 and $8.17 respectively. They screw me down to the penny.

2. An Italian national. His check is $55.00. His tip? A lousy $4. You’re in America now paisan.

3. Four Israelis. The check is $140. The tip’s a measly $14. Next time eat at the Tel Aviv McDonalds. Oy Vey!

4. A waitress has a table with a $44 dollar check. She gets $4 stuck inside a religious pamphlet telling her that Jesus loves her.

“Hey Eternal Salvation is a nice tip when you think about it,” I say

“Fuck that” the waitress replies, “I want the cash. Jesus doesn’t pay the rent”

Those customers are going straight to hell.

5. Two Sex in the City Wanabees. Their check is $108. They pay cash and race out the door leaving the poor waitress nothing. If you spend all your money on Jimmy Choos and designer handbags and can’t afford to leave a tip – you can’t afford to eat out. Sorry to mess up your Candace Bushnell fantasy. Might I suggest you dine at Château Blanc next time? Live within your means bitches.

6. A couple’s on a first date. The check is $150. The man leaves me $12. I’m pissed. His date passes me on the way to the ladies room.

“Just out of curiosity what did he leave you as a tip?” she asks.

I happily show her the credit card slip.

“What a cheap fuck,” she exclaims. She goes back to the table and angrily tells her date what a cheapskate he is. I guess he’s not getting lucky tonight. Come to think of it I saw her at the bar alone later…………..

7. A man leaves $5 on a $100 check. His wife yells at him telling him he’s being cheap. Smiling the man says, “I’m not giving them my money. Let them go out and get real jobs.”

Ok you Social Darwinist Ayn Rander puke………

A few weeks later he comes in again. I remember him. When he tries to pay the bill his credit card comes up declined.

“Trust me I have the money,” he says nervously.

“Don’t worry you can do a real job washing dishes in the back,” I deadpan.

8. My all time favorite. A Birkenstock shod hippie couple’s check is $55. I present them with the bill.

“Waiter we don’t tip because we believe that would force owners to pay you a living wage,” Deadhead proclaims proudly.

I stare at him silently. My look says, “And you should tip me if you want to keep on living.” He squirms uncomfortably.

“Well maybe just this once” he says counting out a few bills.

“Thank you sir.”

It’s not easy being a waiter. 3.8 million Americans work in restaurants. The vast majority of their income is from tips. Support the economy and tip heavy! At the very least take pity us.

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