Since most dining patrons are social misfits I have decided to publish some guidelines to make your dining experience run smoothly.

1 Reserve early. You want to eat out on Saturday night? Well if the place is any good it will be mobbed so plan ahead. Book a table by Tuesday. Saturday night is rife with countless self-centered yuppies that stand open mouthed at the hostess stand when they are told the place is booked. Don’t be like those people. Make the call.

2. Turn off your cell phone. Unless you are a doctor on standby waiting for a donor organ to arrive, turn your phone off. (Such a doctor would be eating in the hospital cafeteria anyway!)

3. Sit where you are seated. It’s nothing personal. There are only so many primo tables and unless you are a heavy spender or tipper your chances of getting a good table is nil.

4. Order off the menu. If I went to your house would I tell you how to cook the food? I don’t think so. Substitutions are a pain in the ass and are really for those people with MEDICAL problems. Allergic to pesto, it’s gone. Vegetarian? Get the fuck out.

5. Say please and thank you. I can’t tell you how many times people forget this simple courtesy. You want your kids to turn into well-mannered adults? Set an example. If you don’t and your kids turn into little shits, well you know why.

6. Tip the coat check person. Yes you! You cheap fuck! A quarter is not a tip. It’s a dollar a coat. Too much? Eat at Burger King.

7. Tip the waiter at least 15%! Preferably 20%! The waiter has got to eat too. Tip pretax if you want but you have to tip on the booze! You probably will forget you stiffed the waiter ten minutes after you leave. He, I assure you, won’t forget you.

8. Give the waiter the whole order. Don’t order appetizers and say you will order entrees later. He will probably fuck it up and ruin the rhythm in the kitchen. Your food will come out late and cold. Make a decision!

9. Don’t stay forever. The waiter and establishment are here to make a living. Real estate is valuable. When you dawdle you are taking money out of people’s pockets. The rule is the bigger the bill and the tip the longer you stay! Caesar salad and water split for two? You got twenty minutes.

10. Never touch the wait staff. This is a rule strip club patrons abide by why can’t you? You grab my arm and ask for water you are going to be dining al fresco on your ass real quick.

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