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Stone Cold

I am waiting on a table of three hotties. They flirt, they drink; they’re loud and obnoxious. I keep the happy smile plastered on my face – their check is $300. As they leave I pick up the check and look at my tip. Zero.

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Gun!

Nothing’s worse than training a new waiter. When you’ve been waiting tables a long time most of what you do is unconscious, burned into muscle memory. To stop and actually think about what you’re doing, and then explain it, slows you down big time. The

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Waiter Gear

A loyal reader wrote and asked, “What items should a good waiter carry with them at all times?” Since many reading this blog are getting their jobs outsourced to China and may end up doing what I do (Heavens forefend!), I’ve decided to share a

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Phone Skills. Some have ’em. Some don’t.

Saturday. 5:30pm. The phone rings. “Hello, The Bistro, how may I help you?” “I want a reservation at 7:30.” a gruff cell distorted voice barks. “How many in your party?” I reply sweetly. “Two.” I can hear car horns honking in the background “Let me

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It’s only food!

I am standing by a table, patiently waiting, while a woman mulls over the menu for the umpteenth time. They’ve been sitting for forty-five minutes, drunken two rounds of martinis, and I’ve repeated the specials five times. The other guests, fidgeting with the utensils, made

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Sieg Heil!

I am waiting on a table of Europeans, Germans to be exact, and they’re busy trashing the good old US of A. When you wait tables you might as well be wearing an invisibility cloak because customers talk like you’re not even there. These guys

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Yeah I put in a tip jar

Some of you are looking at that PayPal donation button and thinking, “Great, another sellout.” What the hell else did you expect? I’m a waiter. I live on tips. If you throw me a buck that would be great. If you don’t that’s fine too.

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Holy Shit it’s Alec Baldwin!

You know celebrity is an interesting thing. Why are we so interested in their lives, what they wear, who they sleep with? What gives them their “power?” I mean you have to admit we live in a celebrity obsessed culture. Just look at the J-Lo/Affleck

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Angels and Getting My Swerve On

If you work in a restaurant and can’t get laid you have a problem. Think about it. You are surrounded by young, mostly unattached people, in a high stress close contact situation where alcohol is plentiful. Hooking up is not only inevitable – it’s endemic

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Its only a flesh wound!

It’s Friday night and I’m waiting on some real assholes. Two middle aged couples, so busy bad mouthing absent friends, I wonder what they say about one another in private. So animated is this little hate fest that I’m shooed away every time I approach