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Tip like your life depends on it!

A few months ago I’m telling a table of six hotties the specials when I hear a woman shriek, “Murray! Oh my God!” I look up from the store bought titties and see an older man, half standing at his table, clutching his throat and

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Fresh Water Ostrich Jihad

While working at Amici’s, a 200 seat hellhole in the Jersey burbs, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the biggest assholes I would ever encounter in this business – a Syrian waiter named Wahdi. A hulking, sweaty, brutish, bully; Wahdi was brought over

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Some Tips

Waiting tables Tip #1—Dont wait tables while your hopped up on antihistamines! — Cheap bastard of the night award goes to-Zamir! – $12 tip on $175 check. He goes into the shitty tipper database. Thanks you social retard! (For this prestigious award I use first

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“TIP OR GOD SHALL SMITE THEE MOTHERFUCKER!”

An interesting tidbit of history…….. If you ever read the Bible in the original Greek (Of course you have!) you find something interesting about waiters and the early Christians in Acts 6:1. The gentile members were bitching that the Hebrew members were overlooking them in

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The Hitman tries to make a reservation.

Actual phone call……last year. “Good evening the Bistro. How many I help you?” “Halo, Halo?” (French accent on a cell phone) “I’m here. How may I help you?” “I am Jean Reno.” “Yes?” “I would like to reserve your entire restaurant for a private party

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Sick

The Waiter is home sick today. Don’t want to get the Yuppies sick now do I? Maybe more when I feel better.

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Tuscan Twit

I work in a Tuscan restaurant. Like salmon that must swim upstream to spawn, middle-aged Yuppies are genetically programmed to visit Tuscany before they die. The sous chef, who is from Lucca, jokes you can always pick the invading Americans out of the crowd; fat,

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Customers are stupid

The dumbest customers on Earth walked into my place tonight. I knew they were trouble right away. Without a reservation, they wanted to survey the bistro to “get a feel” before they “committed” to eating there. Of course they demanded the nicest table. Since it

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Other waiter blogs you might enjoy!

Manahttan Waiter Adventures of the Masked Waiter Bitter Waitress – check out the Shitty Tipper Database! Celebrity sightings! The Gothamist is a great website about NYC. They had a forum on tipping where I jousted with some anti – tipping scum! Read all the posts

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Doggy Bag

So I’m telling an eight top the specials on an especially clamorous Friday night, shouting to make myself heard above the din, when I hear a dog barking. No not outside, somewhere on the side aisle! Mystified I stop mid sentence and look in the