I Need a Massage!

I’ve interviewed several massage therpaists for my book but I’ve yet to avial myself of their services. So if you’re a licensed massage therapist in the Metro NYC area and would like to be interviwed for my book while giving me a rubdown please email me at waiterrant@yahoo.com. This is a serious offer. I’ll pay the fee and you can be as anonymous as you wish. Look forward to hearing from you.

And man I’m tense! If you can work out the kink in my shoulder I’d appreciate it!

50 thoughts on “I Need a Massage!”

  1. Anonymous says:

    My Job SUCKS!

  2. Gradually Greener says:

    Oh man. Can you please ask what the massage therapists’ preferred way of getting a tip is? I’ve had a few massages, and of course I give a good tip, but it’s SO awkward to actually make the physical transfer. If you give it right as you’re coming off the table, it feels strangely reminiscent of prostitution. If you wait until you’re about to leave the facility, then it’s awkward to all of a sudden hand over a wad of cash. Am I supposed to leave it on the massage table? That also seems odd.

    I wish the massage parlor I go to would be like my salon, which provides a little envelope with the stylist’s name on it to slip money into and leave at the front desk.

  3. Booply says:

    Having gone to massage therapy school, I can only say the only way I would find it weird giving a tip is if there was a “happy ending” involved, and yes I do hear the joke a lot from people who talk about my other job at my room service hotel gig. If you are getting a massage, and you want to pay a tip without feeling all weird, wait until you are fully dressed and have drank a glass of water (which is recommended since massage actually can be a physical intensive process your body goes through). The massage part will then be completely ended and the feeling of being still “exposed” on the table will be gone. In all honesty, no other profession gives the practitioner so much fortitude over their client, seeing as how they are face down usually with nothing but draped sheets and underwear from exposing them completely. You must have a caring and nurturing touch to be a successful massage therapist practioner imho, and those that don’t… well you can actually feel it when you’re getting that massage. If that’s the case you shouldn’t get one from that person again. A great LMT can make you feel like the whole thing is both healing (naturally beneficial with ambience, setting, mode of massage and enhancement tools such as certain lotions, hydrotherapy, etc… you may request) and professional by making that exposed feeling you get a one time thing (usually your first massage to sum up how a therapist will do). This is why massage therapy is such a great art, you usually get one time to demonstrate to a client how good you are and your best intentions. If a client feels you are too proddy, they won’t come back. If you feel too anxious or nervous, believe it or not, your client will feel it on the table, and the experience will be unpleasant. If a LMT makes you feel uncomfortable with tipping, then it’s safe to say you weren’t very comfortable during the massage session either, and you should find someone else to help you out with your muscle and related problems. It’s all about how you the client feel, and if you aren’t reaping benefits while feeling taken care of completely relaxed, then it’s money down the drain.

  4. Diego says:

    I too went to massage therapy school and I second what Booply says with this addition: if a massage therapist is practicing privately there is no need to tip at all, their fee schedule should be set at the appropriate level to eliminate the necessity for tips. If you are going to a studio where there are a number of therapists frequently the studios work like hair salons in that the therapist only gets a portion of the massage fee and sometimes it is a very small portion. If you are brave enough, ask them what percentage of the fee they get.

    Other caveats regard the massage itself: if it feels uncomfortable or ‘wierd’ stop the massage immediately and leave. When looking for therapists most adverts for massage are classified in adult services under titles like sensual or therapeutic. Look for a therapeutic therapist, call first and inquire about price, time and whether this is outcall or in a studio. Frequently chiropractors have LMTs working in their offices.

    I am not sure why but it has been my experience that massage therapists are a bit on the flaky side and either don’t show up on time or sometimes at all even in ‘spa’ settings.

    Good luck!

  5. kinda says:

    creepy post…

  6. LS says:

    Dude, just get some Bongers™.

  7. sybil says:

    Um… have you been hacked?

    The typos, the general tone… weird.

  8. Grover says:

    Here’s one question I would ask. How can your hands take that hour after hour. I can’t give a massage for more than five minutes without it killing me.

  9. Kathy says:

    You’re kidding, right? You must have been hacked.

  10. paulo1 says:

    truly weird question. when did you forget how to spell?

  11. admin says:

    oh you all need to get your minds out of the gutter! 🙂

  12. Keith says:

    I agree that LMTs running their own practice shouldn’t need a tip. They set their own prices and get 100% of their fee. There should be no need to subsidize that.

    I would, however, be interested to know what percentage of them cross that erotic line. I know from an LMT friend of mine that they get propositioned allot and I’d be interested to know how many of them compromise themselves by crossing that line.

  13. admin says:

    LMT’s get tips, trust me.

  14. Badem says:

    I have frequent visits to a LMT/Chiropractor and even though is is cute as hell I wouldnt proposition her!!

    man my GF would kill me (even though the LMT is hotter than my GF!!! and gentler on my muscles…and wallet…..)

  15. JFrater says:

    I waited days and days just for this!?
    Man, you must write something that people worth reading.

  16. Anonymous says:

    I waited days and days just for this!?
    Man, you must write something that people worth reading.

  17. Booply says:

    Forgetting how to spell and having a few typos are two very different things. You’d think most people would know that. About the propositioning question, it is against massage therapy guidelines to engage or even speak in support of sexual contact during a massage or do anything of that nature with a current client. If you by chance stop treating a client, then engage in a romantic relationship, that’s different. But if you do anything that would be construed as sexual or otherwise with a client, whether it be during the session or outside of the “office”, you can lose your license to practice massage. I wouldn’t do anything like this anyway, mostly because it’s a reflection on your character. Sure I’ve given a massage to several women I find attractive, but I would never cross that line and have never been tempted to do so. Does that make me a better LMT than others who do that? In a way it does, but it doesn’t mean I’m a better practitioner in the skills sense. It just means that even if a situation arises that most people would give into, I see the underlying problems and pitfalls, and would rather see my career flourish for many years to come than have it jeopardized by one stupid act. Also, for Grover’s question, you really need to learn the basics of giving a massage. Most people use only their hands for the duration. Sure it’s what I use most of the time, but I also use knuckles (in fists), both sides of my palms, my forearms for broad muscles, controlled elbows with reinforcement from my opposing hand (usually with my thumb on one side of my elbow and the other fingers curling around the other. Also, you need to do a few stretches with your hands to get them ready to work, and should do stretches after you do a massage. Another trick is to do these stretches (after the massage) while running your hands and forearms under alternating cold and hot water. Alternating temps are good not only for colds and flus, but to generally increase circulation and healing benefits to different parts of the body, and are good for sprains, strains and muscle aches/pains as well.

    P.S. JFrater, if you don’t like the site or a post GTFO, we don’t need to hear about everyone’s lack of interest in certain posts that basically say they are “better” than whatever the author is writing about. It’s like me telling you I don’t appreciate your minimum wage job mopping floors, which you wouldn’t like me doing either.

  18. Grover says:


    Thanks for taking the time to answer. I’ll give it a shot. I’m sure the wife would like a massage that doesn’t end with me saying my hands are killing me.

  19. Gizmo says:

    I paid for a couples spa experience in Halifax, NS, Canada. I was nervous as well. I wore sports gear under my clothes and the 1.5hr massage went by as expected. *growl* I won’t do the pedicure again.

    I have not been able to avail myself of a professional massage again, but would if possible.

    The location I was at was organized and above board. If I made a faux pas, they covered it off as well as any professional service person would. In the are of tipping, I felt more comfortable asking the casion’s spa reception and they were most understanding of my discomfort about asking about tips.

  20. Booply says:

    NP grover, also make sure to use proper posture. If you are putting your hands in a 90 degree arch for a duration of more than 10 seconds, usually you are causing harm to yourself and your tendons and muscles in not only your hands but also in your forearms. It’s beneficial not to do any heavier than effleurage (light tissue massage) when on an even plane. If you have a massage table that elevates the client up, it is the perfect scenario because you can adjust it to make it easier on you (the lower it is generally the better it is for deeper tissue, plus it makes you squat more while keeping you posture straight, giving you the incentive to always keep your body posture in check).

    I would also recommend checking out any classes you can find that teach Thai massage. It is really one of those hardly mentioned practices that has a ton of benefits for both the client and the practitioner. Instead of a table, most of the massage is done on a mat with the LMT stretching the client, using their feet and knees as the activation points for massage (what is actually creating the pressure on the muscles), and lots of PIR (Post-Isometric Relaxation) – Isometric exercises, which are done by causing the muscle to relax by overexerting it (a technique I use often to great effect). The best way to demonstrate is the biceps, which flex the arm at the elbow, and if you put downward pressure on the client’s hand while they flex up (as long as mild-moderate flexion is being done, it doesn’t have to be a serious exercise) and hold that for maybe 10 seconds, or even letting them “win” and then forcing their hand back down by having yourself “win” this flexion battle, then having them relax, you will notice the biceps muscle is more flexible and pliable for massage.

    Hope this helps! Btw just google any of the topics I discussed and you can find a plethora of info online.

  21. Marilyn says:

    Please don’t feed the bears.

  22. beamer1959 says:

    I don’t think this is waiter. And these posts have been going downhill since he and Brown Eyes split.

  23. Marcy says:

    I’m with Beamer…Waiter, I’m a little worried about you…the general tone of these posts is mean and frustrated and not at all that of the man who once went to Seminary. Are you OK?

  24. Felix Eddy says:

    I love how some folks think they own you just because they’ve been reading for a while. If you don’t like the blog or the book, just don’t read it. All this whiny “waiter, your posts aren’t entertaining me enough” crap is really annoying. There is a whole big internet out there, folks, if this isn’t doin’ it for you anymore, take your toys and run along. He has a life outside of this site, I gather, which is why any of us started reading it in the first place.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Booply @17 – hey lighten up – massage therapy guidelines – give me a break. You act like your a fucking doctor.

  26. MJ says:

    I’m all for the happy ending. Waiter, ignore these prudes, and do some research on the appropriate tip for a true “rub down.”

  27. Anonymous says:

    Long time reader, first time poster. My friend, you’ve lost your focus. The service industry in general is not as interesting as the specific human characters and experiences and the humane way you shared them with us back in the day.

    I miss your poignant storytelling and, to be honest, I don’t care much about your love life. You lose that objectivity that graces your insights into people when you talk about your personal relationships.

    Take a break from the Today show spotlight. Get tired feet from walking 5 miles in a small restaurant. Adroitly handle a kind woman’s embarassment with her obnoxious husband. Make no tips one day. Wonder if you should have done the other thing. I miss those days.

    All the best.

  28. Marcy says:

    I think that what the folks who are putting down the long-time readers who are suggesting (as poster #26 has done far more eloquently than I) that something ain’t quite right with Steve are failing to see is that a) we are concerned about Steve, as a person, because he seems “off,” and b) Steve is a writer, and to be a successful writer, you need readers. We bought his book because of what we read here, the warmth and the humor were so appealing… lately, he seems angry, unfocused, and bitter…of course he does not need to write for us, no one can make him do that: but if he wants to continue his successes as a writer, he needs an audience. He’s losing at least part of the one he’s built here by writing in a completely different voice than the one that built his initial audience. Maybe some of you like bitterness and revenge stories, and perhaps Steve can be successful selling them, but I, for one, don’t care to read them…I wish him the best, regardless.

  29. J says:

    it seems to me that in the past when typos were pointed out they were fixed and Steve would thank whomever pointed them out. That they are not fixed this time is why readers are mentioning them.
    I’m also with with #27. I thought the whole editorial response to the 2 lists of 50 things was just mean spirited. Some of Steve’s comments didn’t even make sense, like the one about offering an alternate vegetable. (owner-offer another. Steve-jerk, I guess if we’re out you get nothing)

    This page is no longer something I look for. If I stumble on it I read it, but even that’s likely to end.

    Of course I never did understand people gushing over the writing. The stories were pretty good but the writing was always a little self-conscious, like “look at me, I can use metaphors”.

  30. Jenypher says:

    I echo 23. Shut up people and move on. I await the next rant! Whether it’s about love, tips, relationships or just life. I like it.

    I doubt Steve was hacked. I wonder if all these people posting are perfect? Have they never been a bit ‘off’ in their jobs before? I know I have.

    So what? He posts like 50 amazing stories and you all clap your hands and get on your knees but the instant he posts 1 that isn’t so great you all shit on him? Why are people like that? Isn’t that the time when someone needs THE MOST support?

    People suck.

  31. Anonymous says:

    I’m with Marcy and Anonymous poster #26. These posts have become kind of strange – but the reason I HAVEN’T stopped reading is because I like this site and have hope that they will improve.

    P.S. – Jenypher, I think you misspelled your name.

  32. Jenypher says:

    HAHA! I know it’s different.

    I was born with it.

  33. Kelli says:

    I miss the day-in-the-life stories. Now it’s all about other people. The problem with being a full-time writer means that you have less time to have an interesting life of your own.

  34. VentingStation says:

    I actually think the research and the way you go about it is hilarious! I can see that you’re busy with the research and that’s why you don’t have those “daily life” posts…understandable. For a quick rant (or for everyone who’s looking for that quick laugh) you can check out Venting Station. Keep up the good work. Good luck!

  35. J says:

    “He posts like 50 amazing stories and you all clap your hands and get on your knees”
    Speak for yourself Jenypher. The stories aren’t all that “amazing” or even “like” amazing. They’re entertaining. Or rather, they were entertaining.
    We’re not here to “support” him in a “oh, everything you do is great” way. We’re more the “this is worth reading, this one here not so much” which for someone who wants to make a living from writing is actually more helpful.
    Do we all type perfectly? No, but in the past he would correct the errors and it’s noticeable that now he hasn’t. The blog isn’t a priority anymore, and the typos are just a physical manifestation. What’s more disappointing is the intellectual manifestation that the blog is just a nuisance to him at this time.

  36. spud says:

    Right on, J. I liked the old waiter and his writing a lot more.

  37. Jenypher says:

    I’m sure Steve appreciates all the feedback be it negative or positive.

    By the way “J”, I was not basing the “amazing” comment on myself or my own opinions. It was based on what I read in the comments after each story. Most of the time they were very very positive and yes even…. amazing…

    There were people giving proper feedback and people just writing that he isn’t good anymore and on what basis? 2 or 3 entries?

    That was my point. “J”.

  38. Booply says:

    Anonymous, I’m sorry I felt inclined to discuss a few key points in regards to the post instead of simply noting about how Steve is messing up his site, or how he needs to get back into the groove, or how you all are a bunch of whiny little peons. I have never seen such a sad and pathetic bunch of leechers in my life. I do have to say the people who genuinely care about his well-being both IRL and in his writing are something to laud, but the people who bitch and moan as if this is the only website they visit need to get a clue. Steve has an interesting life, in fact most writers have more “interesting” stories to tell than most, and the ones I personally know, a lot more mental anguish than others. Just because he doesn’t put down all his own stories may be him deflecting, it may be something he finds interesting, or it may be just because he needs a break from being the one everyone counts on for “amazing stories”. I bet if any successful and established writer of any of the past few decades, or even generations built a site and detailed their lives, you’d find something to criticize about, and tell them how they don’t measure up to your standards. Hell I bet you’d spellcheck H.D. Thoreau and give typo criticism to Emerson a hundred times before you truly understood the meaning behind what goes on in their lives to make them write the way they do.

  39. Jenypher says:

    Booyah Booply.

    I concur!

  40. Phenwick says:

    Jenypher, interesting that you feel qualified to speak for Steve. How is is that you are so “sure Steve appreciates all the feedback be it negative or positive?” Nice that you also have decided what is “proper” feedback and what isn’t. Get over yourself.

    Anyone who has a blog gets what they get in comments. Some will be what the blogger considers reasonable, some will not. If they don’t want to deal with it they will disable it comments Should readers have reasonable expectations and post with those in mind? It would be nice, but that’s not not going to happen in blog comments any sooner than it’s going to happen in the real world.

    Like others, I have noted the change in Steve’s tone over the last few posts and have hoped that he’s doing okay. I also thought it a bit out of character – based on the person we “know” from his years of posts – for him to solicit a massage therapist via his blog rather than call a chiropractic office or massage therapy school and ask for referrals. But whatever – it’s his blog.

  41. andy says:

    Guys…. It’s a blog. Reading these comments just made me barf a little in my mouth. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. If you think you actually know anything about Steve and have never met him, you are an idiot. Blogs have highs and lows. That’s it.

  42. Jenypher says:

    Yes, whatever, it is his blog.

    I was never claiming to know Steve, it was a general statement. Relax for fuck’s sake.

    To be honest you guys are complete idiots and I’m done with this. Someone tries to be positive and give the writer a break and you attack that person.

    It’s ridiculous.

    Good luck Steve and waiterrant. Hope everyone on here is wrong and the blog stays strong and entertaining.


  43. Kelli says:

    Forgive me for trying to be brief earlier.

    I miss the day-in-the-life stories with Steve as the main protagonist, telling all about his day in the trenches.

    Now he’s one step removed from all that, getting stories from other people. I’m sure plenty of interesting things happen to him, though probably not in the same vein as the things that happened to him as an active participant in the food service industry. In fact, I know that interesting things have happened to him; he has chosen to share many of those moments with us.

    However, they are fewer and farther between than they once were when he was slogging it out himself in the kitchens and dining rooms. A lot of what brought, and still brings, people to this website are the tales of customer behavior. One just doesn’t encounter as many rude and entitled people as a generic person on the street as when one is working in a service or retail business.

    And I doubt many interesting things happen to him while he is slaving away at the keyboard, writing up his recent interviews, unless he chooses to do so with a laptop out in public instead of at home in private.

    I hope I haven’t offended anyone’s sensibilities in making this comment, as I apparently did with the brief one I posted earlier. I hope I was able to explain myself better, and I should note that in any case I was not complaining, but rather merely noting the absence of a certain type of story that I miss reading, and positing a possible reason of differing lifestyle and work environment for that absence.

  44. Anonymous says:

    I arranged to have my boyfriend go see a MT I’d been to before. When he got there, the dude said “I just want to be clear: I’m not gay.”

    Uhhhh. OK? My boyfriend straight up told him that it was a completely unprofessinal thing to say.

  45. Anonymous says:

    Hey, Waiter – do you have any comments on the following article? Sure would love to hear your take….


  46. SUPER NIGGGER says:


  47. http://kredit55.ru says:

    RSS ne rabotaet (( Mozhet eto iz-za kodirovki?

  48. me says:

    to 46, isn’t it the whites fault for “niggers” out of africa, i bet obama has better credit than you

  49. Rae says:

    Man, every server I know has a kink in their shoulder, usually the right one. Even after having not worked for a while. We call it the servers knot.

  50. Fran says:

    I don’t tip my massage therapist- mainly cause I see them at medical clinics and what I pay gets covered by my insurance…so I feel like I’m seeing a medical professional, who I wouldn’t tip. (This is in Canada btw). Is this okay? I never thought about tipping them (in fact, I don’t tip a lot of people- but then again, I live in the suburbs and don’t deal with a lot of people who need to be tipped, and I am still a student so feel that sometimes, these people are making more money than I am…)

    But tipping massage therapist if in a medical clinic? Yes or no?

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