Top Ten Quotes

Here are the top ten quotes from the lovely customers I had the pleasure of serving this Labor Day Weekend.

1) I want Diet Coke in my Absolut. Not a Diet Coke and Absolut.

2) I want a Cosmo. Not a lot of fruity stuff! And don’t be cheap with the vodka!

3) This Apple Strudel’s not what my mother used to make. I don’t want it! Send it back!

4) This salad looks like a circumcision. (It was a cured beef Carpaccio, actually)

5) Give him a nice tip. He didn’t fuck up our order.

6) Excuse us waiter, we’re talking about lubrication.

7) Our waitress has too much hair.

8) My gift certificate expired two years ago. Can I still use it?

9) I don�t think the waitress understood our order. Those people usually don’t speak English well. (Waitress is Latina)

10) This food’s so good I’d stick my dick in it.

You can�t make this stuff up.

9 thoughts on “Top Ten Quotes”

  1. anon says:

    that last one was great. I can’t imagine the type of person who would say that. Pornstar?

  2. Kempeth says:

    Did #10 have Noodles? (Note: maybe slightly NSFW)

  3. Internet Meme says:

    I heard #10 before. Maybe they got the idea from here?

  4. Uluru says:

    Due to the date, #10 is probably a reference to “Broken Lizard’s Beer Fest.”

  5. Kris says:

    Lmao @ 10.

    I usually love to say, “This food is like an orgasm in my mouth.” That gets a lot of weird looks and embarassed chuckles.

  6. Heather says:

    #10 reminds me of something I heard after the bar at an IHop–“do you have bathrooms here or do I have to s*#& in a plant?” I thought the best response for the server would have been to get a plant and present it.

  7. pelon says:

    Number 10 is from the Beastie Boy’s “Paul’s Boutique.” It has a song to which the intro is a man saying, “If it’s gonna be THAT kind of party, then I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!” Or some such nonsence. It has been a long time since I have heard the album. About a decade and a half ago, there was a skit on the show “The State” (the writers would eventually go on to create “Viva Variety” and “Reno 911”) in which the main character would loudly exclaim “Well, I want to dip my BALLS in it!” when he liked something.

  8. leithold says:

    whoever said #9 is an asshole.

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