Lunching Ladies

It’s one o’clock and I’m covering a lunch shift for a sick waiter. The Bistro’s empty.

As I’m gazing out the front window, carefully evaluating the spandex covered derriere of a passing jogger babe, the front door chimes. Damn, always when I’m busy.

I walk over to the door. Two attractive middle aged women stand in the foyer.

“Hello ladies,” I say, “Two for lunch?”

“Are you open?” one of the women, a bleached blonde, asks.

“We are Madam.”

“Really?” the woman says, peeking inside. “It doesn’t look like you’re open.”

“We’re really open,” I reply with a winning smile.

“If you say so.”

I motion the ladies inside.

“Pardon me,” Bleach Blonde asks, “But do you work here?”

I’m wearing a starched shirt and a freshly knotted tie. My pressed trousers have a razor crease, my shoes gleam with polish, and an apron’s cinched around my waist. I’m showered and clean shaven. A table crumber and several pens are poking out of my shirt pocket.

“No madam,” I reply playfully, “I like to hang out in strange restaurants and pretend I’m a waiter.”

“Huh?” Bleach Blonde says. She’d look confused if her face could manage it. But she can’t. Too much Botox.

“They only let me play a waiter on TV,” I say, winking.

“I don’t get it,” she says.

Poor baby. You probably never will.

“Just kidding Madam,” I reassure her, “I work here.”


I seat the ladies at a table.

“Can you ask our waiter to get us two 7&7’s?” Bleach Blonde asks.

“Of course Madam.”

Bleach Blonde just stares at me. She’s had one too many benzodiazepines today.

When I return with the drinks the ladies are deep in conversation. The topic? The subject of affluent lunching ladies everywhere – divorce.

“So how does he expect her to live on $150,000 a year?” Bleach Blonde asks.

“I don’t know,” her companion, a bejeweled brunette, answers.

“It wasn’t a fair settlement.”

“And he left her for his secretary,” Bejeweled says, “How original.”

“Yeah, but did you meet her?” Bleach Blonde asks, “She’s got a kick ass body.”

“So do we,” Bejeweled says.

“But she’s fifteen years younger.”


At this point I do a cursory examination in order to ascertain the veracity of Bejeweled’s claim to kick assed bodiness. She’s not wrong. Both ladies are in better shape than a lot of women their age. But, then again, they don’t have jobs.

“Ladies,” I say, gently interrupting, “Do you know what you’d like to order?”

The ladies predictably order two chicken Caesar salads.

“Dressing on the side,” Bleach Blonde says, “And no croutons.”

“Yes Madam.”

“And please bring us two more drinks,” Bejeweled asks, clinking the ice in her empty glass.

“Right away Madam.”

The ladies spend the next two hours picking at their salads, prattling about their personal trainers, yoga instructors, preschools, and interior decorators while getting pleasantly and totally smashed. Yawn.

“Would you ladies like some desserts?” I ask as their half eaten entrees are cleared.

“Oh!” Bejeweled exclaims looking at her watch, “I’ve got to pick up Tyler.”

“Is it that time already?” Bleach Blonde says tightly.

“Yeah, we’ve got to go. I was late yesterday.”

“Check please,” Bleach Blonde asks, “I can’t be late either.”

Of course, these ladies are talking about picking up their little darlings from school.

I run the check. The ladies pay and run out the door. As they pile into a cab I send up a prayer of thanksgiving they’re not driving.

I go over to the table and pick up the bill holder. The tip’s lousy. But I knew it would be. Lunching ladies are terrible tippers. It’s one of the reasons I seldom work lunch.

As I ring in my lousy gratuity I remind myself that I’ll never marry a lunching lady type. And no, I don’t care how “kick ass” her body is.

She’d probably bore me to tears.

10 thoughts on “Lunching Ladies”

  1. The Biz Ate My Soul says:

    When I go to lunch with my bitches, we order apps and exotic meats and wine. We get our buzz on and tip well. I then go home to my boyfriend who made the same vow as you.

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  3. Laura says:

    The really sad part is that as vapid as these women are, they are subconsciously aware of it. They depend upon their divorce settlements, never expecting to be anything more than a rejected trophy wife, and they accept the fact that if someone 15 years younger comes along, their man will probably leave them. I think that’s the saddest thing- they don’t even have the illusion of love, and they assume their husbands are only there for their bodies.
    It’s a definite trade-off, at the very least.

  4. michelle says:

    In a similar vain…the last restaurant I worked in was in a very affluent neighbourhood. I actually overheard some of these same types of women talking about how they are discriminated against for their lot in life. These same women brush past the Latina hostess, ignore the polite ‘Good Afternoon’ proffered by our Mexican service bartender, stay FOREVER picking at their grilled chicken salads, then leave a hideous tip. What must it be like to be the most important people in the world? I’m not bitter about their good fortune…just ashamed on their behalf that common courtesy and kindness escapes them.

  5. Max says:

    Trophy wives, how I hate them so.

    They have nothing useful to contribute to society. They just sit on their ass, try to look pretty, load themselves up with drugs, and let people fuck them in exchange for money and fancy cars.

  6. OhioWaitress says:

    I agree with you, Max. It’s sick. It’s even worse because I’m a woman. I can’t believe men want braindead cookie cutter women. They can’t swim in the pool because they’ll mess up their hair. They can’t catch a football, they’ll break a nail. Disgusting. No personality and no mind of her own. I would leave them for a younger model too. It’s almost like renting out a whore.

  7. MoreAndAgain says:

    Well, when your marriage is a “deal” and the product you sell is your body, don’t be upset when your husband trades you in for an upgrade.


  8. Settor91 says:

    How often does a labour union, with one single action, harm science, education and business all at once? ,

  9. M&M says:

    It’s an interesting juxtaposition between a previous post (More Romantic Drivel) and this one. The MRD had a woman who was terrified of accepting her date’s offer to pay for the meal and this one has women who have made living off a man’s dime their career choice. Though on opposite extremes, both seem to negate the value of the man as a person. Though in the case of the Trophy men, I’m not sure what’s going on in their heads. Just how do they find duck lips and and immovable faces attractive? Amphibian fetish, I suppose.

  10. Anonymous says:

    OhioWaitress, it IS prostitution. And even more so when it comes to the upgraded models.

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