What a Freak

It’s a busy night. The hostess is in the bathroom so I’m covering the door.

The door chimes. A man walks in.

“Four,” he says, holding up exactly four fingers. How nice.

“Do you have a reservation?” I ask politely.

“No,” he grunts, “Do I need one?”

“I’m afraid we’re full sir,” I reply, “But we’ll have something in half an hour.”

“That’s not going to work for me,” the man says.

“Sorry sir,” I reply, “That’s the best I can do.”

“That’s unfortunate for you,” the man says.

Was that a threat?


“That’s unfortunate for you,” the man repeats, spreading his hands.

My mind races. Who is this guy? Mafioso? A food critic? Is he nuts? Maybe I should seat him. Maybe he’s important and I don’t know who he is. But then experience kicks in. This guy’s probably using some bullshit verbal technique he picked up in an assertiveness training seminar. That might work on a twenty year old but not me.

“And exactly how will that be unfortunate for me?” I respond coolly.

The guy stares at me. I’ve called his bluff.


The man keeps staring at me. I feel the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. Maybe I misjudged him. Maybe he’s crazy.

The clock ticks. The man stares at me some more.

I smile back. If the ball goes up, my pepper mill’s close at hand.

The man says nothing and walks out the door.

I watch the guy walk down the street. I don’t see any friends waiting for him. They might be waiting around the corner. But I have a funny feeling this guy’s alone. There was something about that guy. Something I can’t put my finger on…….

Oh well. You’d be amazed at the weirdoes I see. On the outside they appear prosperous and put together, but the moment they walk into a restaurant all sorts of psychopathology comes flying out.

The man walks out of sight. I add his face to my own personal terrorist watch list. He might cause trouble one day.

“Anything happen?” the hostess says, returning from her bathroom break. I tell her what she missed.

“Jesus,” she says, “What a freak.”

I smile.

“Honey” I reply, “Just wait until Valentine’s Day.”

4 thoughts on “What a Freak”

  1. jasmine says:

    is this truth or fiction? ive seen a man with only four fingers. can you describe him to me in detail? id appreciate it thanks!

  2. Kris says:

    Lmao you get some of the weirdest comments. I know they’re probably spambots, but I get more entertainment out of them then I do your posts sometimes. (sometimes)

  3. AngryGayWaiter says:

    My favorite response when watching the door for the hostess:

    Guest: “Yeah, four.” (Note the absence of hello and please)

    Me: “Four what?”

    Guest: “Four of us!”

    Me: “Oh, people! I thought you meant giraffes! You know, the circus is in town! Does that mean you need four menus, too? Would you rather share one each? Oh, how romantic! Tell ya what, I am gonna put you in my section and take just the bestesty best best care of you guys! Ooooh, oh, mmmm, oooh follow me right this way!”

    And so begins the rest of my onslaught …

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