Meter Maid Madness

Louis, our token gay waiter, dreams of opening his own restaurant someday. Fairly fluent in French, an excellent cook in his own right, a superb waiter with over twenty years experience in the business, he has a better chance than most.

Money, however, is a problem. To supplement his income Louis got a second job.

He’s a meter maid.

Well he prefers the term “Parking Authority Enforcement Agent” but I’ll stick with meter maid. He’s gay so he won’t mind.

Parking where I work is a big problem. Yuppies think nothing of sliding their suburban assault vehicles into handicapped or no parking zones while they run into Starbucks or get takeout. The area is a target rich ticket environment.

The meter maids are, of course, hated.

Louis LOVES his new job. He’s got the uniform, the badge, the handheld ticket computer, and a major league power trip. He gets a hard on whenever he tickets some rich snob’s Jag.

One day a customer stiffs Louis on a tip. He calmly pulls out his cell phone, calls one of his meter maid buddies, and the guy gets a fifteen dollar ticket. Cheapskate’s meter is expired.

I see this and pull Louis into the back.

“Remember on TV when Bobby Brady became a safety monitor at school?” I ask.

“Yeah” he says smiling. He knows where this is going.

“Well you’re turning into him. Don’t get customers ticketed while you’re working here. Wait till your actually working as a meter maid.”

“Parking Authority Enforcement Agent.” he corrects automatically.

“Whatever Serpico.” I reply. Message sent.

Louis is cool. He stops playing parking stormtrooper at work.

In a few months Louis becomes the most feared parking agent in town. The mere sight of him walking around in uniform sends people scrambling for quarters to feed their meters. He’s the High Plains Drifter of meter maids.

One day I am walking into work and Louis, official Parking Authority golf cart and all, is happily putting a boot on some scofflaw’s car.

“Having fun?” I ask.

“Oh yes” he replies with a great big smile. “This guy has like $500 in unpaid tickets.”

“You know I think you like this job a little too much.” I joke

“Well I is the long arm of the law.”

“Be careful sheriff, you don’t want to become the first meter maid killed in the line of duty.”

Louis laughs. It’s a running gag between us.

“I mean what would they do for your funeral procession?” I elaborate. “Strap your casket to the golf cart here? A procession of golf carts and meter maids? Bagpipes?” We both laugh at my macabre little imagery.

It turn out my words were prophetic.

A few days ago Louis is writing a ticket for an SUV hulking in a no parking zone outside Starbucks. A tie dye wearing aging sellout yuppie hipster comes running out, moccachino in hand, screaming,

“Hey you fucking faggot! You cocksucker! You give me a ticket and I’ll kick your ass.”

I told Louis he should have said, “I am. You’re right. I’ll call the cops.”

Instead Louis is professional, tells the guy he’s in a loading zone, and he can fight the ticket in court.

“You fucking asshole motherfucker piece of shit!” the man say tossing his $5 cup of java into the street and getting in his truck. “Fuck you.” I’ll bet this guy was the ONLY guy who didn’t get laid at Woodstock.

Raging Hippie then proceeds to try and run down Louis with his car.

Louis leaps out of the way. He’s pushed up against another parked car, gets clipped by the side mirror, and tumbles into the street where he’s almost squashed by oncoming traffic.

Although unhurt Louis goes to the hospital as per regulations. The cops are called. Hippie is in jail charged with assualt with a deadly weapon.

Later Louis is working in the bistro telling me the whole story. He is visibly shaken.

“Am I not the voice of prophecy?” I ask.

Louis smiles. He’s coming out of his funk. “You warned me.” he acknowledges.

“So this job isn’t all fun and games.” I say.

“No I guess not” he says shaking his head.

“Well it’s gonna be a slow night and you’re a psych casualty so go home.”

“Thanks.” he replies gratefully. He calls his boyfriend for a ride, buys a bottle of wine, and goes home to recuperate with some show tunes and alcohol.

Louis is an excellent waiter and a pleasure to work with. He will get over his brush with death and resume torturing people with his ticket machine. One day, when he has his own place, we’ll laugh all about this.

Being a meter maid is like a being a waiter. It’s a thankless job and people treat you like shit. Louis gets it from both ends.

I go back to work taking comfort in the fact that being waiter is safer. No one has tried to kill me.

At least not yet.

19 thoughts on “Meter Maid Madness”

  1. Alex says:

    hahaha “gets it from both ends”
    …cause he’s gay.

    Cool story though, but I dunno if I could be friends with someone on a power trip like that. People like that drive me crazy.

  2. Tim says:

    Power trips are in deed dangerous.

  3. E. Michael Martin says:

    There was some almost gay-bashing moments in here.

    Not all gay men like being called women.

  4. newbie says:

    maid doesnt exactly mean a women its just a general term used but yea it prolly was used ina gay-bashing kind of jokingly kind of way.

  5. Brynn says:

    EMM: So now there’s something wrong with being a woman?

  6. Brisbane Internet Consultant says:

    A very interesting story and well written. Karma can be a bitch.

  7. Australian Web Directory says:

    In Australia meter maids are young women who feed meters with coins in tourist spots. The people who book cars are called Brown Bombers

  8. Activist says:

    Why does he always have to be introduced as ‘the token gay’?

  9. kelli says:

    Activist, maybe because some people don’t take everything said as offensive in someway. Some of my friends have a regular Friday night hang out game, only one of the people who comes on a regular basis is black (Derek). He started calling HIMSELF the “token black”.
    This is all due to this amazing thing called a sense of humor. If you spend your life looking for bigotry you’ll probably find it everywhere, you’ll also find people who take your offense as offense for making inside jokes seem horrendous.

    BTW there is one other friend who is black but he shows up much less often (he’s a new dad), so Derek makes Highlander jokes about “there can be only one” when he does come over.

  10. Benzin says:

    “Brown Bombers?” I think that’s a bigger gay-bash than “maid.”

    Awesome story though, one of those truth-crazier than fiction things. I like the blog overall, and I’m usually not a blog fan. Keep up the good work.

  11. Val says:

    ” “Brown Bombers?” I think that’s a bigger gay-bash than “maid.” ”

    BENZIN: Do you have any idea what you are talking about? Or just jumping to the first available assumption?

    “Brown Bombers” is a reference to their BROWN uniforms, and the fact that parking tickets cost you a bomb. That’s all. Jeesh.

  12. Chesterfield McFisticuffs says:

    I don’t see anything offensive about his interaction with Luis the token gay guy. I have gay friends and I freequently joke with them about being gay and they in turn hasstle me about being straight. It would be one thing if he were talking about Luis in a negative way but it is clear that they have a good joking relationship and can take jokes from one another.
    Some people take everything too seriously.

  13. Max says:

    He introduced the Jewish guy as “the token Jew.” Going to complain about that, Activist? No? He probably does it for A: Humor. B: So new readers know what’s what.

  14. blondie says:

    funny, my brother is gay, and he regularly refers to things as “freakin fagtastic!”.

    ususally when he is stealing my mascara, hello hitty t shirt, etc etc,

    and yes, he does say “well thats gay” when something sucks.

  15. Colin says:

    Clearly every person who comments about it being a problem that he refers to co-workers as “the token __________” has never worked in a restaurant.

    When you work in a restaurant, your co-workers will rag on you for any aspect of your ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, religion, creed, etc etc etc. But you know what? IT’S OKAY! You can do it to them, too! Everyone’s happy, and at the end of the day, you go out drinking with them and do it some more. No one gets offended, and no one cares. It’s the best thing about working in a restaurant.

  16. Anonymous says:

    I work in south africa. as a waiter. there are black and white staff in our restaurant…
    I can get away with calling our sushi chef ( a black guy ) a fucking black ovambo motherfucker. I can say “All you fucking black bastards are fucking lazy, so get my order out before i beat you like the useless kaffir you are.” … guess what… he’ll say: “Fuck you, umlungu (rich white asshole). i’ll cut your dick off and use it for muti.

    We rip each other in ways that in south africa can get you thrown in JAIL. but we both know, when the shit hits, we stick together. You have to spend so much time being “Nice” and politically correct and shit to your tables, you need to be rude to your co-workers… It’s a pressure cooker, and we are letting off steam. If you are sensitive, you are in the wrong business.

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  18. Anonymous says:

    sounds like the gay guy deserved being hit with the mirror if you ask me. meter maids are a joke

  19. none says:

    Ahh, its too bad he didn’t get run over.

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