Tip like your life depends on it!

A few months ago I’m telling a table of six hotties the specials when I hear a woman shriek, “Murray! Oh my God!”

I look up from the store bought titties and see an older man, half standing at his table, clutching his throat and turning bright red.


Everyone freezes. I, however, the professional waiter, spring into action!

I go to the man and ask him if he’s choking. When all I get is a bug eyed stare I yank him upright and apply the good old Heimlich maneuver. The offending bolus of food pops out of his throat and smacks on the floor with a satisfying splat. Coughing the man crashes back down into his seat. In a minute he is breathing normally. The busgirl swoops in to clean up the mess. Soon it is as if nothing had ever happened.

The man’s wife thanks me profusely. He is too embarrassed to talk.

“All part of the friendly service madam.” I say and walk back to my bevy of beauties whose eyes are filled with temporary “you’re my hero” lust.

Later as the man and wife are leaving I walk over to the table and look inside the check pad to see what kind of tip they left me. Jokingly I say to the busgirl “I wonder what his life is worth?”


I look up stunned as the fucker whose ass I saves car pulls away from the curb. One look at the vanity plate and I understand…….

It says MD.

Jerk was a doctor. 10%! Next time I let him die!

(Dear Visitors from kottke.org, please be sure to peruse the other stories in this blog. You might enjoy them! Thanks to Jason for the link. You the man!)

23 thoughts on “Tip like your life depends on it!”

  1. tian says:

    I have a friend of mine that is in the similar profession described in your entry. After haven’t seen him for about a year, we decide to go out for dinner. During the dinner, he mentioned that his credit card has a “special” prefix in front of his name. If the waiter/waitress brings the check back with a mention of that prefix, he would tip 5% extra (to a whoppy 15%).


  2. off topic says:

    Wow thats sad. Extrememly sad.

    Then again. Its not like he owes you a tip.

  3. You have got to be kidding me says:

    You can’t be serious…. “It’s not like he owes you a tip.” Yes actually he does. waiters get paid crap and tips are supposed to fix that. Now, tips can be used to show your waiter that they were bad or good ( I use them for that) but at least 15%… and if you saved him from choking… damn straight it should be a hell of a lot higher… and from and MD no less.

  4. arkanabar says:

    Doctors are notorious for tipping badly AND demanding more attentive service and privileges.

  5. Sarah says:

    He didn’t deserve to die, but maybe he could have just choked a LITTLE bit longer….seriously though, what a mother fucker. I’d be fucking irate!

  6. Anonymous says:

    Perhaps he didn’t see your life-saving as all that remarkable, since he does that all day every day.

    Seriously… people treat doctors much like your worst customers treat you. And no one ever manages to bother to thank them, much less tip them. Perhaps they’re just too jaded to feel motivated to tip.

  7. Sarah also says:

    Maybe because doctors make well over six figures, dick.

  8. Anonymous says:

    and the waiter chose to be a waiter and not a doctor?

    you choose the profession you want to be in. if the pay is low, pursue a different career. if you love your job, pay shouldn’t matter as much.

    but to the point – yeah, he should have tipped you big time.

  9. NIsh says:

    If you did it for money, your ranting is okay. But It was a ‘help’ man! .. never expect anything back after a help…even a simple ‘thank you’.

  10. Anonymous says:

    dude I am a paramedic and I do that stuff all day, I have been tipped once in seven years. Hate to go mr. pink on ya here, but I rarely ever tip, if the service is great I give something. It’s your job, I don’t get anything all day at my job but puke, blood, and death. I could use 10% occasionally

  11. Jason says:

    The people who comment here and don’t understand the very basic facts behind a serving job make me absolutely sick. I’ve been a server many times through college and into my adult life. Tipping is a part of the business. Serving is not an easy job despite the fact that many people is. When you refrain from tipping you admit that you are completely ignorant to the way the entire industry works.

    The people who don’t tip are absolute morons. Tipping is an expected part of the restaurant industry. I’d rather you stay home and not eat out to make room for the people who enjoy their nights out and understand the way the system works.

  12. mortis says:

    One thing I’d like to add, is that most states have it set in the wage laws that the establishment does NOT have to pay state (or federal) minimum if the employee is in a tip position. this means that a good portion of the individuals in the service industry are making less than minimum wage plus tips.

    I’ve been in the service industry for well over 10 years. Tipping for service is a way of life. And remember that those who service you at bars, restaurants, casinos, etc.. have very long memories when it comes to who takes care of them, and who doesn’t.

  13. waiter says:

    When I waited tables I was paid 2.15 an hour plus tips. If you don’t want to tip then go eat somewhere that doesn’t have waiters. If you are tired of fast food then tip!

    To the paramedic who doesn’t tip because he isn’t rewarded on his job. Rarely are people choosing to use the services of a paramedic for enjoyment so you are not really comparing apples to apples. Of course, you do reap what you sow, so please don’t expect much generousity to come in your life regardless of your profession.

  14. melissa says:

    In the state of florida tipped wage is $3.65, (its actually gone up almost a dollar in the last year or so)..just for those that say that servers already get paid. My paycheck for 2 weeks is usually only about $100 after taxes.

  15. Kris says:

    You know, I had a waitress one time that sat down at our table (we were the last for her that night) and started feeding my friend’s baby (while cooing about hers) so my friend could eat.

    I left her a 70% tip.

    What an asshole.

  16. Thea says:

    Hey Kris – I sure hope you mean bottle-feeding 🙂

  17. Ross Galbraith says:

    in my opinion going above and beyond for a customer, should raise your tip well into the 50-100% region, christ, the man should owe you his car!

  18. Clarkson says:

    So I have to tip my paramedic now ? Go fuck yourself with a stick, what an asshole comment OMG. “Anonymous” – ya, no doubt with ignorance like that.

  19. Anika says:

    I love te colours and lay out of your blog, i really want to get hold of this theme, what are you using?

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  21. leithold says:

    maybe he just didnt know how much to tip…then again, YOU SAVED HIS LIFE! omg…

  22. Henry says:

    I believe in being good to a waiter except if the waiter is not.

  23. Rick says:

    Some of you guys really are putzes!

    Nope, YOU choose to be a waiter and YOU choose to accept the pay that you get from the restaurant.

    Nobody owes you a living. Tipping for good service is at the whim of the customer. And, if you don’t like it… perhaps, it’s time for a change in careers?

    Life is way too short to be angry and frustrated over a customer not leaving a tip!

    And, no, I’m NOT a MD and I do choose to tip well… except to waiters who think I MUST tip them just because they’re waiters!

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