Tumescent

This is my favorite psych ward story….. At the tail end of a long shift, I was sitting in the nurses station when I heard a blood curdling scream. Leaping out of my chair, I raced into the hallway where I found one of the nurses pointing at an open patient door. She...

Advice for New Fathers

A few days ago, I was talking to a co-worker who was about to become a new grandmother. “When’s the baby due?” I said. “My daughter’s due Sunday,” Leslie said. “But if the baby doesn’t come by then they’re going to induce on Monday.” “How’s your son-in-law?” “Good.”...

My Own Private Rapture

I was calling a worker bee at government agency when I got this gem of a voicemail message, “I’m not available to take your call at this time, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message, I will call you back at my earliest convenience.” I hung up the phone...

Infinite Monkey Theorem

A few weeks ago I was in the pharmacy picking up a prescription for my wife. Trouble was, the pharmacist wouldn’t give it to me. “Can you spell her name again? he asked, holding a bottle of pills in his hand.  My wife kept her last name when we got married. I spelled...

I Still Want to Play

My wife had a business meeting in Seattle and, having never been there myself, we decided to make it a mini-family vacation. After a tumultuous plane ride with a three-year-old, we landed in the birthplace of Starbucks. Annie didn’t wrap up work at the convention...

California Dreaming

My wife and I were packing the car and getting ready to leave our rented house off Hollywood Boulevard when a storm of howling profanity suddenly filled the air.  Turning my head towards the noise, I spotted a disheveled man barreling straight towards us.  Black, in...

Girls Can Do Anything

When my wife got home from work yesterday the look on her face said it all. “Tough day with the baby?” I said. “She was a terror all day,” Annie said. “She fought over everything little thing and she screamed all the way home.” I winced. When trapped inside a...

Sidework Scams, Tip Shaving and No Overtime

Over the years, I’ve written extensively about the various machinations restaurant owners employ to pilfer wages and tips from their waitstaff. Whether it’s mom and pop operations or big chain restaurants, many owners seem unable to resist the temptation to steal from...

All the News That’s Fit to Print

My daughter is three, broke and unemployed. Time for her to pull her weight. “You now have a job,” I told my daughter one fine Sunday morning. “Job?’ she said, bewildered. “Go get Daddy’s newspaper. It’s at the end of the driveway.” Natalie’s face lit up in a...

Challenger

The car rental counters at LAX are the busiest in the world. Luckily for me, my wife and I arrived during a slow time. “You go get the car,” my wife said as we got off the shuttle bus. “I’ll get the luggage.” Since my wife was in L.A. for a convention, she had brought...