by waiter | Nov 7, 2004 | Uncategorized
I go into Starbucks to get my pre shift daily fix when I notice a strange plastic object hanging over the register. “What’s that thing?” I ask my nose ringed tattooed hipster barista. “A video camera.” he replies flatly. “A what?” I say incredulously. “A video camera...
by waiter | Nov 5, 2004 | Uncategorized
Got off a few zingers tonight……….. “Waiter is the tiramisu any good?” “Why sir it’s one of our most popular desserts.” “It didn’t ask if it was popular I asked if it was good.” “Well sir if it wasn’t good it wouldn’t be popular.” “Oh……..” What a shithead...
by waiter | Nov 5, 2004 | Uncategorized
I am waiting on a table of three hotties. They flirt, they drink; they’re loud and obnoxious. I keep the happy smile plastered on my face – their check is $300. As they leave I pick up the check and look at my tip. Zero. Zip. Zlich. Nada. I am pissed. The ladies,...
by waiter | Nov 3, 2004 | Uncategorized
Nothing’s worse than training a new waiter. When you’ve been waiting tables a long time most of what you do is unconscious, burned into muscle memory. To stop and actually think about what you’re doing, and then explain it, slows you down big time. The resident...
by waiter | Nov 2, 2004 | Uncategorized
A loyal reader wrote and asked, “What items should a good waiter carry with them at all times?” Since many reading this blog are getting their jobs outsourced to China and may end up doing what I do (Heavens forefend!), I’ve decided to share a little...
by waiter | Oct 31, 2004 | Uncategorized
Saturday. 5:30pm. The phone rings. “Hello, The Bistro, how may I help you?” “I want a reservation at 7:30.” a gruff cell distorted voice barks. “How many in your party?” I reply sweetly. “Two.” I can hear car horns honking in the background “Let me see what’s...
by waiter | Oct 29, 2004 | Uncategorized
I am standing by a table, patiently waiting, while a woman mulls over the menu for the umpteenth time. They’ve been sitting for forty-five minutes, drunken two rounds of martinis, and I’ve repeated the specials five times. The other guests, fidgeting with the...
by waiter | Oct 28, 2004 | Uncategorized
I am waiting on a table of Europeans, Germans to be exact, and they’re busy trashing the good old US of A. When you wait tables you might as well be wearing an invisibility cloak because customers talk like you’re not even there. These guys didn’t care I’m standing...
by waiter | Oct 27, 2004 | Uncategorized
Some of you are looking at that PayPal donation button and thinking, “Great, another sellout.” What the hell else did you expect? I’m a waiter. I live on tips. If you throw me a buck that would be great. If you don’t that’s fine too. I...
by waiter | Oct 26, 2004 | Uncategorized
You know celebrity is an interesting thing. Why are we so interested in their lives, what they wear, who they sleep with? What gives them their “power?” I mean you have to admit we live in a celebrity obsessed culture. Just look at the J-Lo/Affleck shitstorm. John...
