by waiter | Feb 15, 2006 | Uncategorized
The couple on Table 22 orders the dessert special, a confection of white chocolate mousse and strawberries. Of course, it’s in the shape of a heart. “Happy Valentine’s Day Madam,” I say, gallantly presenting the dessert. “Oh!” the woman exclaims. “Thank you!” “My...
by waiter | Feb 14, 2006 | Uncategorized
The phone rings. I already know what the person on the other end wants. I already know what my answer is going to be. It seems pointless to even answer. But I must. It’s my job. “Hello the Bistro,” I say cheerily, “How may I help you?”...
by waiter | Feb 10, 2006 | Uncategorized
It’s my day off. I’m writing on my laptop when my dog bounds into my lap and starts licking my face. “What do you want now?” I ask. Buster looks at me, panting expectantly. “Dog park?” I ask. “You want to go play?” Buster emits a low growl. That’s “yes” in his...
by waiter | Feb 9, 2006 | Uncategorized
It’s a busy night. The hostess is in the bathroom so I’m covering the door. The door chimes. A man walks in. “Four,” he says, holding up exactly four fingers. How nice. “Do you have a reservation?” I ask politely. “No,” he grunts, “Do I need one?” “I’m afraid we’re...
by waiter | Feb 2, 2006 | Uncategorized
Beth and I are sitting by the front window drinking coffee and kibitzing. It’s early and we’re not expecting customers for an hour. Side work finished, the tables are arranged with military precision; uniformed in starchy crisp tablecloths and brocaded with newly...
by waiter | Feb 1, 2006 | Uncategorized
I conducted an informal poll to see what your favorite drink says about you. The sampling was very small and the margin for error is very large. If you see your favorite drink lampooned, spare me the hate mail. I get enough already. What Your Drink Says About You....
by waiter | Jan 30, 2006 | Uncategorized
Customers are always leaving business cards, religious tracts, and other sundry items in the checkbook or on the hostess stand. Usually too poor or desperate to afford a decent advertising budget, they resort to foisting their shit on me. Here are some of my...
by waiter | Jan 25, 2006 | Uncategorized
Are stories about waiters suddenly hip? I must’ve not gotten the memo. Imagine my surprise when I opened up the New York Times this morning to read that their vaunted food critic, Frank Bruni, stepped down from his critical perch, strapped on an apron, and indulged in...
by waiter | Jan 23, 2006 | Uncategorized
A female patron, who’s very drunk, is staring at her menu in the deluded expectation that it will divine her gustatory predilections and pick out something for her. I’ve never seen a menu do that. Perhaps if she was tripping on acid….. “Madam?” I prod gently. “Mmmm....
by waiter | Jan 19, 2006 | Uncategorized
The customer pushes his plate away, dabs his mouth with a linen napkin, and waves me over. “All done sir?” I ask. “Yes,” he replies, “That was great, as always.” “Glad you enjoyed it sir.” “Just bring me an espresso and the check,” the man says, “I can tell you guys...
