Hi Waiter:

I’ve been reading your blog for some time now as well as other waiter blogs and I do have a new appreciation.

Have you ever lied to a customer? Have you ever served a customer something other than what they specifically ordered? For example – if a customer orders decaf (and apparently this is a big pain in the butt) have you given the customer regular coffee and claimed it was decaf? Or has a customer asked if some ingredient was in the meal, such as pepper, mushrooms or onions – perhaps claiming allergies – have you lied about those ingredients being in the dish ( I happen to be friends with two people who are severely allergic to pepper and onions – me – I just do not like mushrooms and if I can have them removed I appreciate it but I do not claim allergies)?

Just wondering, because on another waiter blog I’ve read, the waiter did serve caffeine coffee when it was specifically requested that decaf be served – why? because he didn’t like the attitude of the customer. Then this guy tries to blog about how good a waiter he is.

Nope – he’s a liar.

Sign me – wondering if wait staff are liars.

Dear Wondering:

Possessing a Ted Bundyesque ability to lie with a straight face is a prerequisite for being a waiter. Haven’t you noticed that many waiters are actors?

Have I ever given a customer regular instead of decaf? Only if they deserved it! “Give me 10% you bastard? Sweet dreams!) Usually, however, the opposite is the case, I give people decaf and tell then it’s regular. At the end of the night, when the staff is cleaning up the kitchen, I’ll put on a pot of decaf and tell the remaining customers it’s whatever they want it to be. Besides, half my customers are consume a pharmacy worth of prescription medications daily. The last thing they need is caffeine.

Allergies? Even though I know half the customers are lying to me about food allergies so they can get the chef to change an entrée, I always take then at their word. The last thing I need is a customer getting an emergency tracheotomy in my section. Food allergies are nothing to mess with.

Here are some other lies and half truths I’ve told……….

1. Why yes sir, I used diet tonic water for your Tanqueray 10 and Tonic. (Diet tonic water? WTF?)

2. How old do I think you are? Why madam, you don’t look a day over 33.

3. The fish was delivered today.

4. We’re out of risotto tonight.

5. I happily married madam, now please take your hands off my unit.

6. Yes, the desserts are made on the premises. (I don’t tell that fib anymore.)

7. The chef preparing your dinner tonight is from Tuscany. (By way of El Salvador.)

8. Here you are sir, one dry Ketel One martini. (It’s actually Grey Goose. We were out of Ketel One. Hey, I still used premium vodka.)

9. No madam, the fish isn’t frozen. (At least not now!)

10. I have no reservations available.

11. That table’s reserved. (It isn’t. I just don’t like your attitude.)

12. Your credit card’s having some difficulty. Do you have another?

13. Your children are adorable.

14. Yes madam. I love working here.

15. No sir, I don’t control the air conditioning.

16. The owner isn’t in.

17. Yes sir, the customer’s always right.

18. Yes, the cheese was made from the milk of happy cows that roam free on verdant green pastures. (Right before we kill them!)

19. It was a pleasure serving you.

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