My roommate and I watched the horror movie “Final Destination 3” last night. For those of you unfamiliar with the series, it’s about a group of teenagers who narrowly escape getting killed in a horrible accident. But Death, refusing to be cheated, hunts down and kills every last one of them in spectacularly gruesome freak accidents.

Instead of being horrified as you watch these hapless kids get decapitated, squashed, run over, and blown up – you can’t stop laughing. (I especially liked how the junior lounge lizard’s character gets his brain pan excised by an engine fan, Classic.) It’s a testament to the filmmaker’s skill that something so terrible can be played for laughs. Let’s face it, life is full of hazards. You can obsess yourself into a straitjacket or you can laugh it off. In the end, other than exercising normal prudence, there’s nothing you can do. When your number’s up – it’s up!

And that got me thinking. A restaurant can be a very dangerous place. There are literally a thousand ways to die. Hmmm, maybe I can pitch this to some LA types……..

Final Destination 4 – The Bistro

“The grill man slipped on a tomato and back flipped into the deep fryer? I told you guys to sweep up! Now we have to change the oil!”

A customer’s surfing the internet on his Dell laptop when the battery explodes igniting his brandy and flambéing him tableside. Dammit. I told Fluvio to turn off the Wi-Fi. It’s nothing but trouble. Better turn up the fans.

“You can’t breathe? You want me to call 911? You’re allergic to pine nuts? So sorry……….”

An exotic bug from South America hitches a ride on a produce crate, ends up as a salad garnish, and bites a patron. The customer dies a week later from explosive flatulence. Oops.

“Officer, I was making cherries jubilee when it all went horribly wrong.”

“The waiter’s sleeve got caught in the industrial meat grinder? Better put an ad in the help wanted section.”

“If you order the Steak Tartare you have to sign a waiver. Listeria? Salmonella? Never!”

“You locked Felipe in the walk-in freezer? Better thaw him out before the health inspector shows up.”

A stray champagne cork goes down a loudmouth patron’s gullet and chokes them. Good shot!

Employees must wash hands before returning to work?
“Mrs. Wilson died of typhus? In this day an age? Jeeeezz………I don’t know how that happened.”

“The unrefrigerated butter somehow cultured a particularly nasty strain of flesh eating bacteria? Poor Mr. Jones. He came here to get something to eat – but something ended up eating him. Is that irony?”

“Your honor, the chef’s knife throwing demonstration didn’t work out as planned.”

“Waiter, there’s a tsetse fly in my soup.”

“I told Fluvio to fix that ceiling fan! Tell the hostess we’ll have a free table as soon as the bus person cleans this up. Now where did that guy’s head go?”

“I don’t know what happened! I just gave the man his check! Call 911!”

“But sir, it’s only a wafer thin mint.”

Can you think of other spectacular ways to make a restaurant your “Final Destination?” Feel free to elaborate in the comments section.

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