“And you sir,” I say, turning to the last customer on my four top, “What will you have this evening?”

“I’ll have the Fellatio please,” the man says with a smirk.

I glance up from my pad. This guy better be talking about the Filetto di manzo all’alpina – a filet mignon with porcini mushrooms.

“How would you like your filet mignon cooked sir?” I reply, acting like customers ask me for blowjobs everyday.

“Uh, maybe I don’t want that dish after all,” the man says smiling.

I am not in the mood for this shit. I woke up with a sore back and a serious lack of motivation. The last thing I need is some middle aged perv off his medication.

“What would you like instead?” I say, dreading the answer.

“Well,” the man says, his manic side revving up, “I think I might like……..”

“Oh for Christ sakes Marv,” the man’s wife interjects, “Stop fucking around.”

“Yeah Marv,” I say. “Stop screwing around.”

The man looks at me in shock. I counter with the thousand yard waiter stare. I win.

“I’ll have the Veal Chop,” the man says, meekly handing me his menu.

“Good,” I reply, “Because I sure as hell wasn’t gonna give you the other thing.”

“Good for you Waiter!” the man’s wife crows, “Feel free to smack him with the menu.”

“Thank you madam,” I reply, walking away from the table. “Maybe later.”

I head towards the back and key in the four top’s order. Marv somehow manages to keep his bi-polar disorder under wraps for the rest of the night. The two couples actually turn out to be nice people with a good sense of humor. When they finish their entrees I bring the dessert menu.

“Some desserts tonight?” I ask.

“No,” Marv’s wife replies, “Our friends want us to go to their house.”

“Very well madam.”

“I think they want to wife swap or something,” she says.

“Dessert is dessert madam,” I reply. Now I understand why Marv married her.

“It is indeed,” the woman says winking.

The four top pays their bill, tip me 20%, and leave to do God knows what. As I watch them go I shake my head.

You can’t make this stuff up. You just can’t.

3 thoughts on “Fellatio?”

  1. Talina says:

    Oh. My. Stars.

    This must have been an evening out of the ordinary…

  2. Kris says:

    My friends and I are all perverts. We had worked 85 hours one week (not lying) and were looking for a little fun that weekend. Went to a restaurant and had a gorgeous waiter. Well, we were goofing off (when we noticed he didn’t have a ring on) and asked him if he’d mind coming home with us that night. Totally joking of course.

    We’d been flirting with him all night and he was volleying right back.

    He pointed to a table in the corner and said, “I don’t think my fiance would like that.” Said fiance was a gorgeous blonde who waived when she noticed he was pointing at her.

    Giving him my most innocent look, I replied sweetly, “Oh she can come too.”

    The look he gave us was priceless. We never got the opportunity to tell him we were joking, he had another waiter bring us our check and close out our table.


    Lol would love a waiter with your sense of humor.

  3. Will Wryte says:

    I used to be a waiter for about 4 years and I’ve had some crazy guests. But they would win by a long shot.

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