Customers are always leaving business cards, religious tracts, and other sundry items in the checkbook or on the hostess stand. Usually too poor or desperate to afford a decent advertising budget, they resort to foisting their shit on me. Here are some of my favorites.
Real estate – You know how realtors leave their card EVERYWHERE? The ones with their little picture in the corner? I’ve gotten more of these than I care to count.
Learn Kung Fu! – Some guy left me a card good for one free lesson. Hmm…..maybe I can turn my pepper mills into nunchucks.
Chiropractors – This guy needed an attitude adjustment.
Lawyers – Guy left a card saying he specialized in “immigration law.” I gave it to one of the line cooks.
Optometrist – This gal was really cute and trying to drum up business for her store. I went into uh, browse and left quickly. She was selling sunglasses for $1000. What the f……?
Personal Psychic – When I saw this card I predicted the tip would be small. I was right.
Nail Salon – You pay now!
Dianetics – A Scientologist recruiter left this tract for me. You know I think I’m gonna start my own religion – Waiterism. Complete with a cult of personality, tax exemptions, celebrity adherents jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch, and an endless stream of Swedish bikini vixens offered up to the all knowing, all powerful, saintly Waiter. Come to Daddy my children. Salvation’s yours for only $99.95.
Personal Trainer – Are you telling me I need to lose a few pounds? Bastard!
Hair Salon – Creations by Serge! What’s the deal with male hairstylists using only one name? Can someone explain this to me? I remember when they were just called barbers.
Competing Restaurants – Are you trying to tell me something?
The Occasional Phone Number – Flattering and appreciated.
The Prayer of St. Francis – The card was nice. The tip was shit. Oh Lord, make me an instrument of your peace right now!
Obituary Card – Damn cream sauce! I told Fluvio to cut back.
Resume services – Gave this to a trainee waiter. He needed it.
Web Design – I’ve already got my own people thank you.
DJ – My brother could have used this one. The DJ he hired for his wedding mispronounced every name and forgot half the music.
Car Service – Dial 777-7777 when you’re drunk and the hooker stole your keys!
Bail Bondsmen – This one I tacked up on the bulletin board. Trust me, we’re gonna need it some day.
Role Playing/Fantasy – Yep, for a thousand bucks Inga will cater to a gentleman’s discriminating and perverted tastes.
Chick Comics – Christian comic books describing sulfurous hellfire that fundamentalist patrons leave to augment a bad tip. I’m not gonna agree or disagree with their theological sentiments, but do you ever see Buddhists pulling this shit? Pssst! Jesus would leave a tip!
Massage Therapy – You want happy ending mister? (The tip sure as hell wasn’t.)
Waiters! What kind of stuff have people left you? Tell us in the comments section.