Coq Au Vin

“Excuse me waiter,” a hot middle aged woman asks me, “But how do you like a woman to suck your cock?”

Now there’s a question I don’t get everyday.

“I beg your pardon madam?” I say, my voice suddenly getting tight.

“Well, me and the girls are having a little discussion,” the woman titters drunkenly, “They all seem to think they give great head. But I’ll bet most of their husbands wouldn’t agree.”

“Oh Alice, you’re too much,” one of her companions hoots. The table’s an eight top of trophy wives having a girl’s night out, drinking way too much wine.

“Well madam,” I say carefully,” It’s been my experience that all women think they’re good at it when, in fact, very few of them are.”

The woman roars with laughter. “See I told you girls!” she says.

“Now if there aren’t any more Cosmo quiz questions can I take your order?” I deadpan.

The women all dutifully take turns ordering the same dish. Salmon, light on the oil, and no potato. As I’m busy writing down the orders I feel a hand start caressing my inner thigh. Oh boy. It’s Alice.

This really doesn’t happen everyday.

The woman’s hand is hidden behind my apron. Her friends can’t see what’s she’s doing. I notice I’m breathing faster.

By the time it’s the woman’s turn to order, her bosom’s threatening to burst out of her plunging décolletage. Her hand continues its travel northward.

“And you madam,” I ask smiling, “What will you be having?”

“I know what I want,” she says rapaciously.

“I’m afraid it’s not on the menu,” I reply, oh so politely.

“That’s too bad,” she pouts.

“Sorry madam.”

The woman returns her hand to her lap and orders a steak. I guess she’s got a hankering for red meat.

“Thank you ladies,” I say, “Now can I get anyone another cocktail?”

“You didn’t answer my question.” the woman asks breathily.

I knew I shouldn’t have said “cocktail.”

“And what question was that madam?” I ask innocently.

“Oh Alice, leave him alone,” another friend laughs.

The woman leans forward. “How do you like your dick sucked?” she says, deliciously enunciating the syllables in the last word.

I bend down and whisper into the woman’s ear.

“Goddamn!” she says, flustered. I can play that game too darling.

“Now ladies, if that will be all?” I ask.

“Sorry about Alice,” a friend says, “She’s had a little too much to drink.”

“Not a problem,” I say, exiting the table.

But as I head towards the back I hear a woman ask, “So what did he say?”

The answer is swallowed up by the din of a noisy restaurant.

And sorry – I’m not telling.

The ladies finish dinner and leave a gigantic tip. And, tucked into the bill is the woman’s cell phone number. Hmmm.

I take a conference call with my good and bad angels.


I throw the number in the garbage.

The woman’s married. And, judging from the amount of bling she was wearing on her fingers, her husband could pay to have me whacked with the spare change from his couch.

Not worth it. But a fun memory to say the least.

Yet again – thank God for aprons.

16 thoughts on “Coq Au Vin”

  1. Adrian says:

    Never had I expected a Playboy-letter from you, Waiter 😛

  2. Joe Momma says:

    Life is short, you should have given her the old how do you do.

  3. Mark Lauer says:

    Conference call with the good and bad angels. Nice choice of words 🙂

  4. Internet Meme says:

    Absolutely wonderful. If I knew for a fact that my mom wasn’t in NYC that October, I’d say it was her and some friends.

    Well, I guess that doesn’t say much for Meme.

  5. barb says:

    Love that “conference call with the good & bad angels”. Love the way you dealt with those women. You did the right thing.

  6. Liz says:

    So the old adage “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob” is BS? Pray tell- aside from accidental tooth contact, what could I be doing wrong?

  7. Anonymous says:

    To liz: It’s not that there’s bad ones, it’s that they’re not all created equal.

  8. Chris says:

    Please tell me you said something along the lines of:

    ‘Well, as a waiter, it’s all about the tip.’

  9. Mordecai says:

    No, anonymous, there really is such a thing as bad blowjobs, and that describes most of them.

  10. Adam says:

    Bravo Chris, bravo. THAT, is funny.

  11. ZanTx915 says:

    Hilarious. But I’d have said to hell with the angel and woulda been gettin’ “tipped” after work. And this is coming from a female.

  12. Chris says:

    Thank you Adam. I thought that was pretty good at the time.

  13. Craig says:

    Only men know how to give other men great BJs.

  14. Person N. Family says:

    Awkward turtle!

  15. kirstin says:

    this isn’t the first sexy story you’ve told on here. You should write some more word porn. you’re quite good at it ^_-. I find myself wanting the story to continue

  16. Servers are AWESOME! says:

    Cool calm and collect. This is the second story of the ‘conference call with the good and bad angels’ type style of writing.

    I’ve also been reading up on waitering before I start studying on a course to become one.

    When I read these stories you make me proud to want to become a waiter. You (Waiters/Waitresses) are honorable, handle situations smoothly and have good hearts, go the extra mile. Have the power to add blessings (extra perks to a patrons meal) or take them.

    Really looking forward to becoming a waiter, and although not easy I rather work along side people like you then anywhere else.

    Can’t wait!

    Love from Australia

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