Not Getting Any

Twice a week Mr. Escher comes into the bistro to get takeout for his wife.

Twice a week I get to hear how much he hates her.

“Are you married?” Mr. Escher asks me while paying for his order.

“No sir. I’m not.”

“Good. Never get married,” he says wearily signing the credit card slip.

A smile creeps across my face, “Why does every married guy over 40 tell me the same thing?”

“Because they know.”

“Here’s your food Mr. Escher,” I say sympathetically, “Try and have a nice evening.”

“Is everything in order?” he queries suspiciously.

If the food isn’t prepared exactly to his wife’s specifications she sends it back. To make the process less painful for all concerned we created a special button on the POS computer just for her.

“Just the way she likes it sir,” I say smiling, “A pink sauce with more cream than tomato.”

“You know why husbands die before their wives don’t you?” Escher asks heading for the door.

“Because they want to,” I reply finishing the joke.

“Right,” Escher smiles grimly.

“Good night sir.”

After five years I’ve never met Mr. Escher’s wife. Like Niles Crane’s unseen Maris on “Frasier” – she remains a mysterious malevolent harridan.

I watch Mr. Escher walk down the street. Poor bastard.

He’s not getting any tonight.

A short while later I’m getting the order from a four top of middle aged yuppies. They’re transfixed at the sight of a fifty year old man making out with a much younger blonde a few tables over.

‘He’s old enough to be her father,” one of the matrons exclaims.

“Disgusting. Why can’t he find someone his own age?” her companion huffs.

I can’t help but notice the husbands are smiling.

“Goddamn Viagra,” the matron whines, “Makes old goats think they’re 25.”

“Why don’t they make a Viagra for women?” the other wife laments.

Staring at the canoodling couple her husband sighs, “They’ve already made something for you girls.”

“Oh yeah, what’s it called?” his wife shoots back.


I stifle a laugh.

“You think that’s funny don’t you Robert?” his wife hisses.

The husband stares at his spouse with a look born from years of accommodation.

“Yes I do.”

His wife stares at him sullenly. I wonder if I’m ever going to get the order.

After a long pause she smiles wanly saying,

“We’ll see about that Robert.”

Robert shifts uncomfortably in his chair.

Poor bastard I think to myself.

He’s not getting any tonight either.


18 thoughts on “Not Getting Any”

  1. Toria says:

    ha ha, pretty good one today Waiter. yeah, sad when that happens. Well, do what my hubby and I do and have fun 😉 After 18 years, he’s not complaining and neither am I. But yeah, it sucks when you aren’t getting any, I’d agree. Good luck in that department.

  2. Dave says:

    fuckin a. this blog rocks!

    17 yr old waiter from aus. myself, so this stuff i can relate to 🙂

    keep it up, nice work

  3. BBChickadee says:

    I am impressed with your blog! I like your writing style! It is the way I think, but don’t actually put down on paper 🙂

    I will come back to read what else goes on in Waiter Rant! Good stuff!

  4. selva says:

    It’s good story. Thanks.

  5. Leann says:

    Robert better start shopping for more jewelry…LOL

  6. Übermaniam says:

    i like the little i’ve read so far. i hope i’ll come back.

  7. Penny says:

    First guy probably doesn’t have a wife.. probably just easier to blame someone fictional than admit a bad case of OCD. The last bit was HILARIOUS!

  8. Em says:

    My boyfriend used to work at a restaurant with this regular bitch who would come in and complain and send her food and drinks back, and basically look for something for free. They made a button in the computer for her, too– but they labled it a not-so-nice C word that you’ve probably heard before. *grins*

  9. Rebecca says:

    “See, honey, it’s funny because women are all gold-digging whores. Pfft, and you girls have no sense of humor!”

  10. This Summer says:

    That’s right, all women are bitches. Screw you waiter, you chauvinistic prick.

  11. noznbook says:

    I found out about your blog and book thanks to the Today show bit on you. I’ve been reading the blog every day. This post had me laughing out loud and reading it to my co-workers!!! I’ll be buying the book asap!!

    @ This Summer: You stupid idiot (See? I didn’t call you a bitch…)! Waiter is presenting this to us in HIS words, not yours. Just because he’s poking fun at marriage, men and women does NOT make him a “chauvinistic prick”. Grow a fucking funny bone and get off your high horse. Not to mention that if you don’t like what he writes, DON’T FUCKING READ IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Anna says:

    My goodness. Two blogs so close together and several comments between them with the obligatory offended whining. Learn to laugh at yourself and others, people. If everyone would just laugh more, at themselves and at the whole world, I can guarantee things would be better. Get a sense of humor and giggle more. Maybe then your husband will buy you jewelry too! 😉

  13. la migra says:

    Doy you know why men die before their wives? Because they want to.

    Do you know why divorces cost so much?
    Because their worth it.

    Why do 50 year old men bang 24 year old women?
    Because they CAN.

  14. Lemur says:

    Yeah, sorry, the jewelry comment wasn’t funny. It *does* imply all women are gold-diggers, which- hey- ISN’T FUCKING FUNNY! 50 year old men who bang 24 year old women are pathetic assholes who don’t want to admit that they’re getting old.
    I don’t necessarily think Waiter’s a prick, and I don’t think witholding sex helps a relationship. But women do it because when your husband’s a jerk, what else do you have?
    But yeah, that husband is a jerk, and as for May-November? Making out at the table is crass whether you’re 16 or 60.

  15. Lemur says:

    Oh, la migra:

    Why do men die before their wives? Because God wanted to give women a break.

    Why do divorces cost so much? Because you’re paying her for cleaning your house and raising your kids.

    Why do 50 year old men bang 24 year old women? For the same reason they get hair plugs or buy Ferraris: they don’t want people to think that a) they’re getting old and b) they have a really small penis.

    There ya go, more sexism! It’s not funny no matter which gender it’s directed at. Grow up.

  16. Tesa says:

    God I hope that never happens to me and my husband. One thing I’ve learned is that it’s just better to give them as much sex as possible. You have them willingly doing things for you instead of having to demand things of them.

  17. Jimbob Jones says:

    Wow, Lemur, bitter much?

    A lot of women withhold sex because it gives them power in the relationship. It has nothing to do with the man half the time, and is just as pathetic as the stuff you quote.

  18. Chris S says:

    Haha.. Man, I hear this same kind of thing over and over from guys with marriage regret. About one out of every 10 guys over 40 says getting married is the best thing they ever did. Every other guy tells me to NEVER get married. Pretty funny.

    –Chris Simms
    Golf Blog

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