New Guy

I’m training a couple of new waiters. I forget their names. Actually, I don’t want to know their names. They probably won’t last long. Being a waiter is like being a soldier in combat. Veterans don’t want get to know the green recruit. They’re going to get blown up anyway so why waste the time?

Louis and I are sitting around with one of the trainees drinking coffee. He looks lost.

“Hey, you know what we need around here?” Louis says.

“What?” I reply.

“A waiter with Tourette’s Syndrome.”

“That would be sweet,” I agree.

“Huh?” New Guy asks nervously.

“It’s a disorder where people have involuntary facial and vocal tics. Sometimes they curse like a sailor and fling their arms about. They can’t help it,” I explain.

“How on earth is that a good thing in a waiter?” New Guy demands.

“Louis sir,” I say smiling.


“A demonstration if you please.”

Louis gets up pretending to address a table.

“Good evening Messieurs and Madams. Tonight we have a lovely bing bing BOOP! rack of lamb with a white wine Grrrr SHAKA SHAKA demi glaze.”

The new guy looks horrified.

“Yes Madam? Oh, we can put the sauce on the f-f-f-f-f-FUCKING side, No problem BOOP!

The other waiters are on the floor laughing.

Oui Oui Monsieur I LIKE YOUR WIFE”S RACK VERY MUCH! Merde! I mean your wife would like the rack very much. BOOP!

“Let’s hope they don’t ask about the fish specials,” I whisper to New Guy.

“Madam would like lemon with her Ch- Ch-CHEAPSKATE MOTHERFUCKING water! SNORT! But of course!” Louis yelps.

I wipe a tear form my eye. Louis and I have been doing this Tourettes shtick for years.

My name is Louis WHOOP! and it will be my pleasure to s-s-s-s-serve you BITCHES! tonight. Oh! Pardon Moi.”

“The best part of all this is if we hire a waiter with Tourettes he can’t get fired.” I say

“Why not?” New Guy asks in disbelief.

“American’s with D-d-d-d disabilities Act BING!” Louis spurts.

“No discrimination at this Bistro,” I add.

You guys are crazy,” New Guy says moving rapidly away from us.

“You might be right,” I reply.

Louis sits down exhausted from his little bit of theatre.

“I don’t think the new guy is gonna last,” he says.

“I don’t either. No sense of humor.”

“What his name?’

“I don’t f-f-f-f-fucking remember.”

26 thoughts on “New Guy”

  1. Toria says:

    Ah, humour. Something some of us lack. It makes the world an easier place to deal with, at times. Douglas Adams would have found that funny I imagine. Saw his movie last night. My verdict? “Very funny and a very good movie”. I don’t care what others say, “I LIKED IT” and I wore my towel. That’s the whole point of it -> to make us laugh and enjoy life. Just lighten up people and laugh!

  2. AgeofAquarius says:

    On the one hand I’d say that you should extend a helping hand to the new guy. On the other hand… the Tourette thing should have made the guy laugh, or crack a smile at least.

  3. The Bubaker says:

    Damn! I thought I was the only one who’d thought of the tourettes gag. I’d always planned that in my last night ever waitering that I would pull the tourettes caper. My cunning plan was that I’d have the door host tell every table that sat in my section “Mad will be your waiter for the evening… umm… I should warn you though he does have tourettes syndrome please ignore anything unusual he says” and then I could do and say as I pleased in my section for the evening! Ahhh what a way to go out… Sadly I never had any warning that my last night waitering was my last.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Someone should make this into an HBO show. That’d be some funny stuff!!

  5. Elk Hat says:

    That is so funny. I would like to see that for real some time.

  6. Sar says:

    This needs to become a TV show.

    Truly funny, something I haven’t read/seen in a long time.

  7. Jen says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and I think this might be my first comment, but I got to say that I chuckle to myself when I read your posts, but wow, this one made me laugh so hard I was nearly crying. It’s going to be one of those things that I’ll be thinking about randomly and I’ll start laughing out of nowhere, making everyone around me quite confused. Bien fait monsieur : )

  8. arkanabar says:

    Me, and my wife, and her son — all of whom have waited tables — laughed out loud till the tears ran down our faces as we did our best to read this aloud to each other.

  9. Chelimo says:

    HAHAHAHAHA….thats hilarious

  10. barb says:

    Your stories definitely could become a TV series! (On HBO) So funny, thanks!

  11. supersu says:

    stifling the laughter…i had a grad student as a teacher in a costuming class during college that did the same thing to some of the freshmen. hilarious. will never forget it.
    thanks for your time and thoughts. reminds me of my college days. i would love to wait tables again, but where i live 10% is still considered a good tip. no wonder the servers at a restaurant i frequent fight over who serves me. on a bad day everyone gets 20%. i lived the life of paying rent with tips. kudos to you!

  12. Diplomatic Void says:

    This made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. I immediately called up my best friend and forced her to read this.

    It also got sent to the Inner Circle.

    I should add that we’re all ‘mentally hilarious’ in one way or another. Unlike some people who have mental illnesses, we find this spoof hilarious.

    Keep up the good work!

  13. Of the Leash says:

    It’s amazing to see how many people think that laughing and making fun of people with disabilities is hilarious. I’m surprised that no one else has commented that this is insensitive. YOU water, you boasts that you’re so concerned with people and with what’s “right” and “wrong.” Guess you’re not able to look at yourself and see that you think you’re better than everyone, even people born with disabilities that they can’t change. Do you think that people with Tourette’s don’t feel every bit of self conscience as that girl with no hand? I don’t see you making fun of a waiter with one hand. Wouldn’t it be hilarious to see them try to open a bottle of wine with one hand???? HAHAHAHAHAHAHH!?!?!?!?!?

  14. vikki says:

    Oh, the obligatory offended response! Honestly I’m surprised there wasn’t one of those earlier myself.

    My left eye doesn’t turn left. It looks like Lazy Eye. People think I look at them funny a lot. It’s not a major disability, but if someone wrote about how funny it would be if someone with lazy eye was waiting tables, I’d probably laugh too. Do you think any of these people would actually laugh in the face of someone with Tourette’s Syndrome? If they were making fun of a specific person for having the syndrome then I’d be offended, but it’s just a hypothetical creature created as a vent for what you really want to say to tables.

    Don’t take things so personally! Your life must lack a lot of humor. I guess I’ll have to laugh more to make up for you. 🙂

  15. klg19 says:

    Have you ever seen the British series “Shameless”? There’s a character there who is a pyromaniac with Tourette’s, and his exclamations are often remarkably on point.

  16. steakserver says:

    I about pissed my pants reading this one…..I’ve been at the same restaurant for three years and I’m almost positive I’ve seen this exact scenerio play out before, trainee and all.

  17. Ashley says:

    hahahaha i just peed a little i think. oh god i have to try that one day.

  18. Career Server says:

    I used to work with a guy who would mumble the word “balls” when he would tell his tables about the specials. Funny stuff!

  19. MoreAndAgain says:

    Yeah, a good sense of humor is definitely necessary to make it in the restaurant industry. And the same could be said for retail (who told me to go from waiting tables to working a Banana Republic cash register?) The same definitely goes for retail as far as getting to know the newbs. I don’t even bother remembering someone’s name if they’re a holiday/seasonal hire or if they don’t last more than 9 months.

  20. maco says:

    Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO had an episode a couple of years ago that featured a chef with Tourette’s. Hysterically funny.
    And I’m the same. I only learn the newbie’s names if they last more than 2 months. I work in ticketing for a major art organization, but had the same attitude the 10 years I waitressed.

  21. Maui says:

    Now t-that’s some FUCKING good SHIT-IT-IT bingbloopp!!

  22. Jordan says:

    I’ve read from the first entry in 2004 up to this, and I’m laughing so hard from the thought of a waiter doing this I’m crying. I can just picture the new guy’s face.
    have you ever seen Boondock saints? The bar owner in which the two main characters go to has tourettes, and his tick is “FUCK, ASS!” and getting proverbs completely fucked up. great movie. Love the blog!

  23. trickster says:

    I didn’t really find it that funny, sounds more obnoxious and annoying than funny, and I usually find most things funny. Maybe it’s just one of those ‘you have to be there’ things.

  24. Dacatus says:

    Interesting, I see this as making fun on the horrified, shocked reactions of the entitled yuppie customers, not the waiter with a disability. At least, I would be laughing at their horrified faces and at them while they ran out.

  25. WaitressSaint says:

    Wish we all could be so lucky! Haha, uncontrollably speaking your mind regardless of the audience would be GREAT sometimes…

  26. Angela says:

    The other night at work, while holding a checkbook with a customer’s card inside, I told my coworker that I felt like just throwing it up in the air and screaming at the top of my lungs, “AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!” He told me that I would have to go up to each table and scream at them while throwing up my hands in order for it to be good. We add to this fantasy of ours constantly- we have thrown in randomly punching customers in the face, smearing food in their faces, etc. The only way to stay sane in this industry is to be a little insane.

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