Trojan Man

Sitting in my section is probably the best looking couple I’ve ever laid eyes on. The man is matinee idol handsome. The woman looks like she stepped out of the pages of Vogue.

They delight in each others presence. Perfect teeth flash, crystalline laughter echoes, eyes dance, happy superficial chatter, small touches are exchanged.

It’s got to be a first or second date. There’s none of the usual silences that belie years spent together.

The woman is really into this guy. She tosses her hair, runs a finger seductively along her wine glass stem, and somehow manages to wiggle without moving. It’s fun to watch.

Matinee smiles eagerly. The evening is going his way. He’s got champagne on ice at home. He’ll invite her up for a nightcap. They’ll talk and he’ll surprise her with a kiss. Clothes will drop to the floor, the tumble into bed, mad passion, lit cigarettes, more talk.

I’ll even wager Matinee burned a mood music mix CD that’s playing on his Bang & Oulfsen.

Vogue Girl leans forward and plants a kiss on her date’s cheek. Yes things are going his way. Matinee signals for the check. I’m happy. When a guy knows he’s getting laid the tip size expands proportionally with the ego trip.

I print up the check. It’s a $100 bucks. I walk over and deliver it.

Matinee reaches into his breast pocket for his wallet. As he draws it out something falls and lands in the middle of the aisle with a click. I look down automatically.

On the floor is a solitary Trojan Condom.

I look up. Matinee is staring at it too. Uh oh.

When Vouge girl sees that condom she’ll think her date is a presumptuous bastard and the night will be over. My tip is evaporating before my eyes. It’s time to act.

I throw the checkbook to the floor. It lands on top of the condom. A lucky shot.

“How clumsy of me!” I exclaim. Bending down I pick up the check, palm the prophylactic, and hand the book to Matinee.

“Thank you.” he says with a trace of relief.

“Your welcome sir.”

I stand off to the side while he examines the bill. I sneak a peek at the condom. “Ribbed for her pleasure.” How nice.

The man slaps down six twenty dollar bills. A twenty percent tip. Not too shabby.

Matinee looks up at me. I permit myself a small smile.

He peels off another twenty.

“That’s so generous!” Vouge cries happily.

“He’s a very good waiter.” Matinee replies.

Baby you have no idea how good.

They get up to leave. Vouge waves cheerfully.

“Have a great evening.” I say.

“We will.” Matinee says winking.

They exit. I go into the kitchen. I think about putting the condom in the tea box.

Nah. Too much trouble. I toss it in the garbage and wash my hands thoroughly.

I go back to the table to collect my money. $40 easy bucks.

Thank you Trojan Man!

12 thoughts on “Trojan Man”

  1. Adrian says:

    “On the floor is a solitary Trojan Condom.”

    Okay, I did NOT see that coming..! Hil-arious update, waiter! Keep’m coming 😀

  2. Internet Meme says:

    Best story ever 🙂

  3. Whilamina says:

    Even though your stories are clearly made up, it was an entertaining one. Funny even.

  4. vikki says:

    I love how this one person keeps saying your stories are fake. As I’m sure The Waiter knows, there is some seriously weird shit that goes down in restaurants. This story sounds right on the mark!

  5. Laura says:

    As a CUSTOMER I’ve seen weirder things happen.
    Whilamina, if you consider this unbelievable, I shudder to think of what you consider an interesting evening to be.

  6. Australia says:

    Great – another unwanted pregnancy. Perhaps you could have slipped the “ring of confidence” back to him?

    Love the site – I am reading from start to finish here at work – almost makes me want to go back into hospitality. Almost.

  7. Holly says:

    I shudder to think how sheltered a life our Whilamina must lead if she thinks the story is “made up”. I have weirder things happen to me on almost a daily basis….I just don’t write as eloquently…

  8. Max says:

    Australia, he probably has more. But he definitely shouldn’t be so clumsy with them.

  9. Lincoln says:

    Haha Yes! This was great.

  10. Johnnie says:

    I, like Australia, have just discovered this amazing site & am passing the down time at work with it’s brilliance.

    This is my fave story so far. You, sir, are FANTASTIC!

  11. SoCore says:

    This has happened to me before…at church. I can’t recall what I was reaching into my pocket for, but as I ‘pulled out’, out came the nice little package. There was no helpful waiter to cover up the evidence laying between the small group I was conversing with.

  12. KarenC says:

    I reread all your older posts from time to time when I take a breather from work. You should put in a like button so that everytime I finish reading a story I enjoy, I can have the satisfaction of clicking the like button! 🙂 A suggestion for you to consider!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *