The Xanax wore off!

The night’s almost over. I’m in the back enjoying a little snack of ciabatta bread and pesto when Arlene, a fellow waitron, interrupts me.

“My customer on table ten wants you to go over and apologize.” she says.

“What the fuck for?” I reply through a mouthful of food.

“He says you banged into him twice when you walked past him.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Nope. He’s really pissed. Please go and smooth things over.” she pleads.

My restaurant is very small. When it’s busy it’s like a rugby match. The tables are so tightly packed you can’t help but brush up against someone. Occasionally somebody gets smacked.

“Ok. Ok. I’ll go over.” I promise.

Now I just broke up with my girlfriend. My patience is at zero. I scored a half a Xanax from the waiter pharmacopoeia at the start of the night just to get by.

It wore off hours ago.

I wipe my mouth and go to table ten. I place my hand on the guy’s shoulder and say, “Oh you poor baby. I’m sorry.”

The guy stares at me openmouthed.

“I guess you didn’t play much football as a kid.” I add with a wide grin.

“Well I’m very sensitive and I don’t want my girlfriend to beat you up.” he jokes nervously trying to save face. What a little bitch.

“Yes, she’s the only one I’m worried about.” I continue in the same mock humorous vein.

His date laughs softly.

“Just be careful next time.” he says weakly.

“Very good sir. Have a nice evening.” I go back to my pesto.

I delivered an apology and emasculation at the same time. I’m very proud off myself.

Next time I take the whole pill.

10 thoughts on “The Xanax wore off!”

  1. Beth says:

    Ha-Ha, very good. I would love to say something like that.

  2. Bridget says:

    No fucking way. You’re an ass. Someone goes out to eat in what you call an upscale restaurant and gets “smacked” into? Not only is that bad enough. It sucks that you didn’t just apologize anyway, but now you can’t even apologize when asked to? And even WORSE you treat him like shit? What the fuck is wrong with you? Obviously you’re a bitter Betty. Go find some more Xanax already!

    1. Xanax says:

      He said I’m sorry.

  3. la migra says:

    I’m with you waiter, when you’re in a crowded space you may get brushed by someone walking by. And to demand an apology from a waiter that’s not even yours is the height of douchebaggery… he did laugh it off when you let him know though.

  4. Thea says:

    I’m torn – he was acting like a douche, sure, but I think you should have apologised without insulting the guy. Although I wouldn’t have demanded an apology from a waiter for bumping into me, if I saw a waiter talk to another patron like that it would make me much less likely to frequent the restaurant again.

  5. Max says:

    Oh waaah, you two. He acted like a little bitch, he got treated like one.

  6. WaitressGrl says:

    I work at a restaurant where we have a huge middle section where they stuffed as manny tables as they could in it. One night I was working that section, and I’m not a skinny girl, I got a little junk in my trunk. Well apparently I kept bumping into a highchair in that section, and the baby’s BITCH mother sent in a e-mail, saying I was rude and kept bumping into the highchair. Big ass+small section x Lots of tables= me bumping my BIG ass into your kid. BTW, my restaurant is so poorly laid out. I hate being a big girl.

  7. Kat says:

    As long as you understand that is the reason people request booths or to at least not be placed in the middle of the restaurant. I’m sorry I would get upset if the entire time I’m eating my 30-70 dollar meal I feel like I’m in the way of traffic

  8. name says:


  9. Teddah says:

    Seriously people who demand an apology are usually pansies who are trying to show off. Most people say sorry or something if they bump into you unless you’re completely rude and an idiot so that should suffice.

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