Nothing’s worse than training a new waiter. When you’ve been waiting tables a long time most of what you do is unconscious, burned into muscle memory. To stop and actually think about what you’re doing, and then explain it, slows you down big time.

The resident alcoholic waiter Scott, hung-over, working a lunch shift, is training Travis, who’s working his first day. Sayeed, the manager, who knows Scott is hurting, gleefully lays this thankless task on him. Scott is pissed, griping about how much it sucks.

Little does he know his annoyance will turn into sheer terror.

A few hours into the shift Scott is standing behind Travis as he fumbles going through the specials to a new table. Bored, looking around, Scott’s eyes wander.

Then he sees it.

Sticking out of Travis’ waistband, partially obscured by his apron, is the handle of a small pistol. That’s right. A gat, a heater, a rod – a fucking GUN.

Scott’s sphincter instantly puckers as his pickled brain processes what’s happening. Excusing himself, he walks over to Sayeed who’s reading the paper, sipping espresso.

“Sayeed, Travis has a gun.” Scott whispers.

Sayeed lowers his paper and looks over at Travis. He sees it too.

A few years ago, a disgruntled mail handler shot and killed two people at the Post Office a block over. There’s a memorial out front honoring the victims. Most of us pass it every day. Sayeed is thinking about that memorial.

Although he is a consummate asshole, Sayeed is a very cool customer. He has to be. He’s from Beirut. He calmly flips open his cell phone, calls the police, and in very pleasant tones explains our little problem. He listens for a while, nods, says “OK.” and hangs up.

“Give me your cigarettes.” Sayeed tells Scott. He takes them and proceeds to do a very brave thing.

He crosses over the dining room, taps Travis on the shoulder, and invites him outside for a smoke. They go out the front door, light up, and start shooting the breeze. Now we have all fantasized about blowing Sayeed away, but Travis has a real opportunity here.

After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, two plainclothes cops, service pistols drawn, appear from opposite directions. They relieve Travis of his weapon, cuff him, and plop him down on the sidewalk. What happens next borders on the insane.

It turns out Travis is from Texas. In the Lone Star State carrying a concealed weapon is not only allowed – its encouraged. Travis has all the legal firearm permits in his wallet. The idiot thought he could carry heat in New Jersey. Wrong.

The police explain to Travis that he needs a concealed carry permit and no, waiters don’t qualify. He needs to register the gun with the Garden State and store it at home. Then, here’s the kicker, they uncuff him and give the gun back.

After the police leave, Sayeed tells Travis to take the gun home. When Travis is out of sight Sayeed returns to his table, picks up his paper, and orders a fresh espresso.

Scott, his hands trembling, is drinking a Scotch to calm his nerves. Sayeed lets it slide for today.

“Sayeed?” Scott asks.

“Yes Scott?” Sayeed answers from behind his paper.

“On his application, Travis’ last name wouldn’t be Bickle by any chance?”

Sayeed laughs. After a minute he picks up his cell and calls Travis’ house.

“Your fired.” he says simply. He hangs up and flips over to the sports section.

Scott drains his Scotch and gets another.


So the next time you decide to be a dick to your waiter, remember this little story. You might end up staring into the barrel of a Smith & Wesson, the last words you hear being,

“You talkin’ to me?”

Think about it. We might be packing.

10 thoughts on “Gun!”

  1. Darling Nikki says:

    “On his application, his last name wouldn’t be Bickle?”


    I should bring a gat to work. Many of my customers have them so it would at least level the playing ground.

  2. watzshakinbacon says:

    is that Bickle part supposed to be funny? cuzi dont get it –;;

  3. Jen says:

    watzshakinbacon: Travis Bickle was the main character in the movie Taxi Driver.

  4. bookmole says:

    Jen – thanks for the Bickle heads-up – I knew I knew it, and was looking to google it, so your good deed for today saved me a bother. Thanks!


    lmao0: That’s right. A gat, a heater, a rod – a fucking GUN. i♥ u man ur so gangsta’ wit it!:P

  6. Anonymous says:

    I have to say, coming from are state, where guns are allowed it’s very normal thing. I kinda feel sorry for the guy, but common sense I guess would not to bring the gun to work.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I have to say, coming from a state, where guns are allowed it’s very normal thing. I kinda feel sorry for the guy, but common sense I guess would not to bring the gun to work.

  8. jersey_emt says:

    Travis was extremely lucky. Carrying a handgun in the state of New Jersey without a permit is a felony. He could have spent a number of years in jail, after which he, as a convicted felon, would not be able to own firearms anywhere in the country.

    Yes, it is legal and quite common, for residents in Texas to carry concealed handguns. It is actually legal and common in most of the country — only 2 states specifically prohibit it, and 42 states allow concealed carry to anyone who meets certain requirements (be of a certain age, not a convicted felon, have never been committed to a mental institution, etc.).

    I’m a New Jersey resident, and while I cannot carry concealed in my home state, I am legally permitted to carry a concealed handgun in 35 states. This is done by obtaining a non-resident concealed carry permit in Utah and Florida, whose reciprocity agreements authorize concealed carry in a total of 35 states, the closest to New Jersey being both Pennsylvania and Delaware.

    So, if I am driving to Pennsylvania, Delaware, or 33 other states, I can lock my unloaded handgun in my trunk while in New Jersey. Once I cross the Delaware River, I can pull over, retrieve my handgun from the trunk, load it, and place it in a concealed holster.

    Coming back to New Jersey, just before crossing the Delaware River, I must pull over, unload the handgun and lock it in my trunk.

    I think it is a shame that I can defend myself in the vast majority of the country, but cannot do so in my home state.

    Studies have shown that allowing law-abiding citizens to carry concealed handguns reduces violent crime. Every state that has passed laws allowing concealed carry has seen their violent crime rates drop, while every state that has enacted strict gun control laws has seen their violent crime rates increase.

    Every recent mass shooting has occurred in ‘gun-free zones’, places where criminals know that all law-abiding citizens will be completely unarmed.

  9. DietaryAid says:

    Nikki: Hahaha!

  10. Jacqueline says:

    Yeah, I really don’t find it that strange that Travis had a gun. I find it strange that everyone else was SO shook up about it. It’s not a big deal, if he’s not a convicted felon or anything. People with guns are not automatically homicidal.

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