Tuscan Twit

I work in a Tuscan restaurant. Like salmon that must swim upstream to spawn, middle-aged Yuppies are genetically programmed to visit Tuscany before they die. The sous chef, who is from Lucca, jokes you can always pick the invading Americans out of the crowd; fat, slow, pasty and patronizing.

I had a couple of Tuscan groupies tonight. Just back from Italy, draped in overpriced leather coats and gold jewelry pawned on them in Milan. Raving about how the gelato was like butter and how they drank San Giamigano in the actual vineyard.

The other couple sitting across from them had never been there. They were nodding politely waiting for dinner to end so they could make good their escape.

Tuscan lady, drunk, smiled expansively and said to me, “You have a lovely accent waiter, what part of Tuscany are you from?”

“The Jersey part.”


“I am from New Jersey madam.” I look as Italian as an Eskimo.

If the botox in her forehead would permit it she would be wearing a frown.

“But New Jersey isn’t in Italy.”

“Esther he’s an AMERICAN.” Mrs. Never Been to Tuscany cajoled, relishing the opportunity to make her friend feel stupid.

Tuscan Twit’s face is now redder than her wine. Her husband is glaring at me. Their friends are chuckling. Time to go.

“I will get your check.”

Unfortunately Tuscan Twit’s husband paid. Tip? 10%

Next time I say I’m from Florence.

12 thoughts on “Tuscan Twit”

  1. BML says:

    I just found your site and I’ve been reading some of your entries — very amusing!

    I suppose that I am one of those yuppies who had to visit Tuscany (first visit last year)…the gelato IS good, lol!

  2. TheActress says:

    This is hilarious!!! I love it a friend of mine brought your book to work and all of us SERVERS just love reading it!

  3. Biztone says:

    You’re good waiter… you’re good.

  4. Max says:

    It’s a shame you got a bad tip because the wife was stupid.

  5. Crazywonderful says:

    I get the “where are you from, I hear a slight accent” line from guests all the time. I ask them where they thing I’m from and just go with whatever they say. I work in the same area where I was born and raised so there is no accent to my speech but I like to have a little fun with the guests every now and then.

  6. Ross Galbraith says:

    to quote yourself waiter “all customers are idiots”

  7. bev says:

    I worked in a restaurant in Toronto, Canada that served a lot of Americans. I would often be complimented on “how well I spoke English”!!!

  8. Kiddo says:

    ARGH the accent thing is so obnoxious!! I work in in Irish restaurant on the East Coast that is plagued by ‘Plastic Paddies’ (fake ass Americans who desperately wish to be Irish) who are all just dying to tell me about some charming shithole in Derry they visited last summer. These boring holiday stories usually take twenty minutes to tell (and are usually as fascinating as someone telling you about the dream they had the night before… yawn…) as meanwhile the hostess will triple seat me and I am now fucked if I want to get everyone else waterted and breaded before a revolt. Plastic Paddy Table will inevitably launch into the whole ‘and where is your accent from, dear, you must be Irish!’ They always get embarrassed (and I feel vindicated) when I tell them it’s really just a strong Midwest accent and I’m not from Ireland. Jackasses.

  9. Sarah says:

    LOL I get asked if I’m from California a lot. I’m not exactly sure why. I work in a suburb a bit north of Chicago and have lived in the general area all my life and have NEVER been to California. I tell them this and they ask me if im sure…No, I’m fucking with you. Dumbass.(I only say that in my head)

  10. MEF says:

    I work in the North End in Boston and have always worked in italian restaurants since i was 13. People come in all the time and assume i am italian. I learned pretty quickly to play the game and pretend that i am even though i look italian i am definitely irish and french and think it is funny when they actually expect me to SPEAK italian. The very few people who i do tell that i am irish dont beleive me and they like argue with me like they want it to be true.. is that important whho the fuck brings them there dinner? I dont get it….I wan to be like no really ass hole i am whatever you want me to be call me a fuckin alien if you want to just tip me good and dont make me talk to you!

  11. HMSHost Slave says:

    Oh, we constantly get the “where are you from?” line where I work. Almost 75% of the servers, bussers, kitchen staff, and managers are from Bosnia, and very much show it as they have darker skin and, for the most part, heavy accents. Then there is me, who is a pale little white girl who has lived in Utah her entire life. The only accent I can claim is an innability to properly say “mountain”.

    Never ceases to amaze, though. I’ve had multiple customers convinced I’m from France, Bosnia, England, Australia, Italy, etc. and never even had to fake an accent to do it!

  12. MisoHungry711 says:

    I’m half Spanish and half English, raised in the deep south my whole life and yet some how escaped with out an accesnt. I moved to NYC a few years ago and was constantly quizzed on where I’m from because of the way I speak. I always asked people to take a guess and nine times out of ten they would say jersey or Pennsylvania. They all called me a liar when I said I was from bama and then asked me if I was a racist. People suck. Then when I would say I’m Spanish they would call me a liar all over again because I’m fair skinned and have red hair. I mean, who lies about this crap?

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