One of my pet peeves is decaf coffee. I don’t mind making it but it really irks me how some people order it. People have actually ordered coffee with declarations like, “I want decaf double espresso and if it isn’t decaf I will get your phone number and call you at three in the morning!”

Well this is so wrong on so many levels…

1. Even decaf coffee has some caffeine so if you are sensitive you are going to be up. Also all that sugar brutalizing your pancreas consumed via booze and crème brulle can hit your system like crystal meth. Alcohol also fucks up your REM sleep. If you’re up don’t blame me.

2. Trust your server to be a professional, Order decaf and that’s what you are going to get. Telling me that your going to call me when I am putting it to the missus is a good way to get hi test in your cup.

3. Double decaf espresso? What the fuck is that about?

35 thoughts on “Decaf”

  1. Mustard says:

    Double Decaf Espresso? When I was little my dad used to own a grocery store, a lady came in and didn’t knew what a banana was.

  2. Chelimo says:

    LMAO At Mustard, thats crazy!!

  3. Crystal Meth Information says:

    Is crystal meth ruining your or the life of someone you love?

  4. J Andreachi says:

    IN my book, the bitch is getting regular!

  5. kdot says:

    what is hi test?

  6. Sarah says:

    The hi[gh] test = pee

  7. Elle says:

    Uhhh gee Sarah, most people refer to “hi-test” as fully caffinated coffee. Boy I hope I don’t eat where you work and order the decaf.

  8. Just Another Waitress says:

    Seriously? Pee? I’ve never heard that… regular is what I’ve always heard too. But really, watch out for regular coffee… you’ll land some people in the hospital with regular coffee & certain meds they may be on.

    When men say “Can I call you if I’m up at 3am?” I turn that craziness into some sort of pick up line… Hilarious with the wifey or girlfriend at the table. Still usually ok with the tip even if the wife shoots me dagger stares throughout dessert. hehe.

  9. Alex says:

    I dislike decaf coffee drinkers. They always complain about the quality of taste and temperature of the coffee to no end. As a heavy coffee drinker, I tried to switch to decaf – it sucks. If you are going to drink coffee have the real stuff or go on towards tea which has a better choice of flavor. Or get a damn pop.

  10. Ross Galbraith says:

    double decaf espresso’s have about as much point as a holey condom. I’ve never got the point in decaf, and it is 9 times out of 10 the decaf drinker that will complain about strength/temperature ect!

  11. krystin says:

    I love that I’m reading this 5 years after it was written and nothing has changed. At all. Not even the threat of the 3am phone call.

  12. Angela says:

    Decaf coffee ordered in a restaurant has a 50/50 chance of arriving as decaf. However it is much better than the dreaded “I’ll have decaf HOT TEA with dessert!! These people have no idea how much they are hated.

  13. TheBusBoy says:

    I thought espresso was caffeinated by nature…what the blue blazes is decaf espresso…

  14. Wendy the waitress says:

    Omg. I just cant believe that this site even exists. Decaf…ugh…decaf hot tea ugh even more. My major pet peeve oh wait then there is the I’ll have a hot water order. Really??? Why would anyone in their right mind only drink hot water? I just love waitressing.

  15. Jenn the waitress says:

    I work for a catering company occasionally to supplement my regular gig, and we only serve decaff. What?? Honestly that pisses me off more than an annoying custie ordering decaff and being a pain about it. If i order coffee (even at a wedding!) i want caffeine!!

  16. street level wine slinger says:

    My personal fav. w/ decaff drinkers is that Every time you fill their cups you will Always hear, “That’s decaff, right?” It never fails.

  17. HawaiiServer/Slave says:

    You know, I hate it when people order decaf. Because they give you the dirtiest look when you bring the cup, say “Now, you’re sure this is decaf, right?” slug it down, then ask for a refill. Then, when you bring the pot labelled LABELLED, in big white letters on a black lid, “DECAF”, they have the audacity to say “Now, you’re sure that’s DECAF, right?”. As if I didn’t graduate from elementary school! I wish I could tell them I graduated magna cum laude from a prestigious private college with a science degree they can’t even pronounce (Which I did), and they should check their math before my spelling because they just tipped me 70% of their bill, if their chicken scratch on the receipt is to be believed.

  18. Blair says:

    I hate decaf because it serves no purpose! Sometimes I will give a coffee-asshole who orders regular decaf instead. I will never do the reverse because I don’t know about medical conditions etc. People can be so picky about their coffe….and seriously, decaf expresso? Go fuck yourself.

  19. Anonymous_Girl says:

    Some people like the taste of coffee but are affected by caffeine. Large amounts of caffeine aren’t good for you so while decaf drinkers are aware that there is no such thing as a fully decaffeinated coffee it still has less amounts of the stuff than a regular. I don’t understand why there are so many complaints about getting a customer the drink they ordered. It’s kind of like complaining about a customer because they wanted there steak medium instead of medium-rare. And I would imagine that a customer that asks if it really is decaf was probably served regular before by a not-so-nice waiter/waitressat some point (after all, you’ve admitted it yourselves that you do it).

  20. Kurt the Kook says:

    Since it was brought up those who order their steaks well done can go Fuck themselves too. I don’t spend my early mornings picking out the choisest cuts to have some dumb ass that read to many Economist articles about Mad Cow Disease to demand that I cook out the flavor of the meat. Do you know what a well done NY Strip tastes like, a well done Chuck you ignoramous. People if your at a nice restaraunt, the meat quality is probally spot on; order medium rare for steaks, ordering a steak medium is fine, but your pushing it.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Decaf drinkers. You want your breath to stink of coffee, but you want no effects of it. it is meant as a stimulant, and always will be. The effort, when busy, is hardly worth it. Coffee has more mis en place than any item ordered for such a price. In fine dining, decaf is an ordeal, seemingly for no reason. Ive never given regular to an idiot decaf drinker, in 20 years; however, i really want to.

  22. scottie says:

    One of my favorite was the response to my query,”anyone care for coffe, cappucino, after dinner drink.” Response, ” regular decaf” I thought that eas right up there with the response to the question “would you care for another cocktail?” with head nod yes and some noncommital response like “fine,its good,…” only to be told upon returning that they did’t want another drink. Please just say yes please no thankk you nod yes if yes no if no.

  23. Courtney says:

    I hate decaf drinkers because they show up far and few between. So I have to brew an ENTIRE pot of decaf for 1 person, who only drinks 1 cup. After 2 hours, I gotta throw that crap out… and then, inevitably, the cycle repeats itself… It’s such a freakin waste. :p

  24. AmandaBBMcGee says:

    Doesn’t even matter. We always run out of beans. Everyone gets decaf espresso 3 weeks out of the month. And I take great pride when My boss asks me for a pick me a up and I give her decaf. The earlier she tires out, the earlier she leaves.

  25. Carmen says:

    Okay I’m not a decaf person and I’m commenting a few months too late, but I feel like some of you aren’t really being fair. It’s not what the person orders, it’s HOW they pitch the order. Why do some of you even bother judging a person’s preference? If they’re being polite and reasonable, I don’t see what’s to stick your nose up about.

    And like someone said earlier, people might drink decaf because they like the taste of coffee but can’t ingest as much caffeine due to health reasons [ie. heart problems].

  26. Emilayday says:

    Waitress for 6 years (well….summers) as well as working at a cafe on campus for 3 years.
    Basically, I do not mind if you order decaf. However after about 8:30pm, we ONLY brew decaf. Anyone who thinks they’re getting caffienne, dream on. Need it to perk you up for the drive home after all those martinis? Well, first off a three hour nap, not coffee is going to help you out. So will a DD.
    A table of 14 and 6 ask for regular, 4 ask for decaf, and the rest want tea? 10 decafs coming your way. I also like to place them down in front of you while saying, decaf, decaf, regular, you had the regular too right? I’ve even grabbed another mug from the other side of the tray if I got it “wrong”.
    The only time I have ever given someone regular instead of decaf was a really bitchy customer at the coffee shop I worked at on campus who came in 20 minutes before closing and wanted a decaf triple banana mocha latte (I kid you not) Want diabetes with that order??? SHe was such an unpleasant bitch that I gave her CAFFEINATED at yes 10:30 at night. That victory keeps me sane. However, I would never do that for an old person as I’m sure they really do have heart problems.
    This only applies at the end of the night (restaurants in my part close around 10 with dinner stopping around 930). Otherwise, I absolutely understand your need for a midday perk-up, or even if you want to go back to your house/hotel/condo/beach rental/motel to have sex with your date and need the energy. I’ve found that for a lot of people who think they are getting regular coffee, the pyschology of it works just as well as actual caffeine (placebo effect).
    And Just Another Waitress, thanks for the tip! How about next time I say, “Well if you really want to call me, I’d hope it’d be earlier than that!” And then wink? I need to know your lines! HAHAHA

  27. luckylizzie says:

    Personally I don’t care if people order regular or decaf. If we didn’t have a lot of reservations we would only brew one pot of coffee (always decaf). We’d then put it into two different pots (one labeled regular and one decaf). If we were only expecting 8 people for dinner, why waste the coffee?

    What I really hated was when they ordered hot tea! Our catering department would always “borrow” our tea box so it usually meant having to run around and try to find tea bags!

  28. Truth says:

    I am over the 3am I’m funny shit. I just tell them straight up you have a better chance of getting decaf then regular. If they order reg. and only decaf is ready here’s your regular. This dude I worked with used to put the decaf espresso pack with the coffee when he served it, I think that’s a little extreme. But it’s so fucked that people say this at least once a week.

  29. college student says:

    After my senior prom, a large group of us went to Denny’s because of how late it was. We were all well behaved and having a good time. We were putting in our drink orders, mine being coffee. The older waitress INSISTED that I have decaf because of how young I was. I said, “Ma’am… I’m 18 and have been drinking coffee for years..” So she gave me regular for my first cup, but blatantly refused for my second. Luckily by my 3rd, her shift ended. Me being with my friends and not feeling like it was worth making a fuss about, I didn’t say anything, but I’ll always remember that bit of ageism that night,

  30. IntheBusiness says:

    I think that Carmen hit the nail on the head. You can ask for anything and get it delivered perfectly, with a smile. The key is to ask nicely. For example

    Guest:”I’d like Decaf Coffee, please.”
    Me: Decaf Coffee. Perfect! Would you like cream and sugar with that?”

    When I deliver the decaf coffee, I ALWAYS say
    “Here’s your Decaf Coffee”

    The appropriate response? “Thank You”

    However, if you snap “decaf coffee. and make sure it’s decaf” and then glare at me before I have even introduced myself, I will not exact revenge, but I won’t bend over backwards for you either. You aren’t worth it.
    Now, if you ask me nicely for a hot water, I will bring you a mug of hot water, as well as a kettle of hot water on a plate with some lemons. If you snap at me, you get the minimum. Don’t ever forget that your waiter has the power to make your experience especially enjoyable if they feel that you are a worthwhile human being. I will have the kitchen make you whatever off-menu item you want or modify your food beyond recognition, but special requests should ALWAYS have a PLEASE and a THANK YOU attached.
    Then there’s the people who say “I’ll have a side of ranch. I’m sorry. May I please have a refill? I’m sorry.” No need to apologize for your preferences or desires. I’m here to serve. Just be nice, and you’ll get nice back.

  31. korf says:

    Man, I remember when our restaurant was packed in the mornings and all these people were ordering coffees and we’d, like, run out of one. The manager would stick the two pots of the SAME coffee in my hands (even though they were labeled differently) and say, “No one’s gonna notice the difference; just fill up those cups. I’m going to the store.” So, we’d just brew the one til he/she got back. Coffee orders never really bothered me, although they could be a pain on the tray what with needing a space-hogging saucer. I actually thought the coffee was the easiest to refill; beats having to bring three more coke glasses.

    But HOT TEA. Or HOT WATER orders. Ugh. Talk about set-ups. Then the special requests of lemon and honey to the side. And then those are the people that needed refills more frequently than anyone else. And they generally ordered very little besides that and sat there for hours. Seriously, I worked in a 24/7 restaurant. They were there for HOURS literally.

  32. Mel says:

    My FAVORITE when I was working at a small, mom and pop restaurant was old ladies that would come in and order a mug of hot water (which is free) and put in their own tea bag. Then order nothing else. They then proceed to leave without leaving a tip because they didn’t have a bill. Awful.

  33. Surive says:

    The comments in here are really pissing me off.

    1) Don’t complain because people want to drink decaf coffee. Usually, they have medical conditions that can prove to be life threatening if intaking large amounts of caffeine, yet they really love the taste off coffee. Some people know only espresso as the way to drink coffee, and have the conditions. Just because you don’t like coffee breath doesn’t mean others don’t. I worked as a barista for 3 years, this complaint is insane.

    2)The people that order food well done (be it steak, or eggs, or anything) is ordered well done because that’s how they like it. Personally, if I order steak, I want it well done. This is because I like the char, and because undercooked meat and eggs make me vomit due to the texture.

  34. Hmmm says:

    I know I’m quite late to this conversation, but I had to add my two cents as well. I’m only drinking decaf and I always double check because there have been numerous waiters who HAVE gotten it wrong. I’d love to drink regular but I’m breastfeeding my newborn and I found out right away that caffeine makes my little one scream. I’m young and apparently the waiter didn’t see any “important” reason to listen to my (very polite) request- I guess I don’t look like I have heart problems. I hate to say it, but the next time I “accidentally” get regular I’m going to bring my baby back and let her scream bloody murder. If they don’t learn to get the order right (and yes, I know mistakes do happen), then at least I won’t have to be the only one dealing with a crabby child.

  35. Nina says:

    When someone slips me a caffeinated drink, I am up half the night, and end up with OCD symptoms for about 3 days. NOT KIDDING. And NOT fun. When they keep it decaffeinated, even if it’s a 32-ounce, iced Americano (espresso), I’m fine. (Strbks doesn’t offer decaf coffee past a certain hour, so I’m stuck with decaf espresso.)

    Today at 6pm, I asked for a 16-ounce decaf. The clerk repeated back my order, but didn’t say, “decaf”. So, I double-checked. She seemed a little irritated that I even asked. So, I gave her a polite explanation why I can’t drink regular.

    Well, it’s now almost 2am, and I’m not even drowsy. (It also felt like someone was choking me tonight at about 9pm. Maybe my heart rate went up due to the caffeine? I was sipping on the drink half the night.)

    So, PLEASE take it seriously. Or would you give an ‘upper’ to someone who asked for a Tylenol? Remember, disagreeing with someone is “human”. Wanting to HURT them is a form of racism. So, don’t be that person.

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