by waiter | Oct 21, 2004 | Uncategorized
“Waiter this coffee is cold.” “It’s a fresh pot madam.” “Whatever. Get me a hot cup of coffee.” I go back to the kitchen. I heat up a cup with water from the espresso machine and fill it with piping hot coffee. That usually...
by waiter | Oct 21, 2004 | Uncategorized
It’s a frigid Wednesday night in February and we’re preparing to close early. The temperature has never inched above five degrees. Domino’s pizza delivery might be busy but we sure as hell aren’t. Sitting around counting our meager take for the night, we hear Caroline...
by waiter | Oct 20, 2004 | Uncategorized
It’s a beautiful summer’s day and two ladies are lunching al fresco on the patio. Everything is going swimmingly save for the insects that buzz around trying to catch a meal – or lay an egg. It’s a slow shift. I am inside deeply engrossed in a...
by waiter | Oct 20, 2004 | Uncategorized
Many thanks to Ben Hammersley for linking me on his excellent blog. If you have not read or seen his work – check it out. A man of singular wit, his blog should be required online reading. Thanks again Ben! I guess this means I can’t spit in his...
by waiter | Oct 19, 2004 | Uncategorized
This Sunday night I am walking up the aisle when I hear a commotion near the front tables. A lady is shouting unintelligibly. I soon discover why. Perching on her table is Sciurus carolinensis – an American grey squirrel. He isn’t happy. “Holy fucking shit!”...
by waiter | Oct 19, 2004 | Uncategorized
You would think that if a guy cheats on his wife he’d be smart enough not to take his mistress to a restaurant him and his spouse patronize regularly. You would be wrong of course. When guys think with their dicks the IQ points start falling off. One lunch shift...
by waiter | Oct 15, 2004 | Uncategorized
It’s a busy Sunday and the place is jumping. Awaiting my delivery, three tables worth of entrees are racked and stacked in the kitchen. The pickup bell is ringing insistently. I am in the zone. The Zen-like state where I am aware of everything, no movement...
by waiter | Oct 14, 2004 | Uncategorized
A few months ago I’m telling a table of six hotties the specials when I hear a woman shriek, “Murray! Oh my God!” I look up from the store bought titties and see an older man, half standing at his table, clutching his throat and turning bright red....
by waiter | Oct 4, 2004 | Uncategorized
While working at Amici’s, a 200 seat hellhole in the Jersey burbs, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the biggest assholes I would ever encounter in this business – a Syrian waiter named Wahdi. A hulking, sweaty, brutish, bully; Wahdi was brought over to America by...
by waiter | Oct 3, 2004 | Uncategorized
Waiting tables Tip #1—Dont wait tables while your hopped up on antihistamines! — Cheap bastard of the night award goes to-Zamir! – $12 tip on $175 check. He goes into the shitty tipper database. Thanks you social retard! (For this prestigious award I...
