by waiter | Oct 19, 2004 | Uncategorized
You would think that if a guy cheats on his wife he’d be smart enough not to take his mistress to a restaurant him and his spouse patronize regularly. You would be wrong of course. When guys think with their dicks the IQ points start falling off. One lunch shift...
by waiter | Oct 15, 2004 | Uncategorized
It’s a busy Sunday and the place is jumping. Awaiting my delivery, three tables worth of entrees are racked and stacked in the kitchen. The pickup bell is ringing insistently. I am in the zone. The Zen-like state where I am aware of everything, no movement...
by waiter | Oct 14, 2004 | Uncategorized
A few months ago I’m telling a table of six hotties the specials when I hear a woman shriek, “Murray! Oh my God!” I look up from the store bought titties and see an older man, half standing at his table, clutching his throat and turning bright red....
by waiter | Oct 4, 2004 | Uncategorized
While working at Amici’s, a 200 seat hellhole in the Jersey burbs, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the biggest assholes I would ever encounter in this business – a Syrian waiter named Wahdi. A hulking, sweaty, brutish, bully; Wahdi was brought over to America by...
by waiter | Oct 3, 2004 | Uncategorized
Waiting tables Tip #1—Dont wait tables while your hopped up on antihistamines! — Cheap bastard of the night award goes to-Zamir! – $12 tip on $175 check. He goes into the shitty tipper database. Thanks you social retard! (For this prestigious award I...
by waiter | Sep 29, 2004 | Uncategorized
An interesting tidbit of history…….. If you ever read the Bible in the original Greek (Of course you have!) you find something interesting about waiters and the early Christians in Acts 6:1. The gentile members were bitching that the Hebrew members were overlooking...
by waiter | Sep 29, 2004 | Uncategorized
Actual phone call……last year. “Good evening the Bistro. How many I help you?” “Halo, Halo?” (French accent on a cell phone) “I’m here. How may I help you?” “I am Jean Reno.” “Yes?” “I would like to reserve your entire restaurant for a private party tonight.” Its 12:00...
by waiter | Sep 29, 2004 | Uncategorized
The Waiter is home sick today. Don’t want to get the Yuppies sick now do I? Maybe more when I feel better.
by waiter | Sep 27, 2004 | Uncategorized
I work in a Tuscan restaurant. Like salmon that must swim upstream to spawn, middle-aged Yuppies are genetically programmed to visit Tuscany before they die. The sous chef, who is from Lucca, jokes you can always pick the invading Americans out of the crowd; fat,...
by waiter | Sep 25, 2004 | Uncategorized
The dumbest customers on Earth walked into my place tonight. I knew they were trouble right away. Without a reservation, they wanted to survey the bistro to “get a feel” before they “committed” to eating there. Of course they demanded the nicest table. Since it was...
