Leave Home Without It

The quartet of chattering yuppies on table 24 have finished dessert and ask for their check. They’ve been running me ragged all night with special requests, menu substitutions, and water refills for glasses three quarters full. I’m glad they’re leaving. “Here you are,...

Definitions

I came across these definitions in at Urban Dictionary today. Thanks “angryboy!” Waiter Gods Waiter Gods are the all knowing, unseen entities who control the ebb and flow of the great tip continuum. They are mysterious and unknowable, but their wrath can be swift,...

Waiter Legs

I walk into my gym at 9:00 AM on a cold Sunday morning. It’s an ungodly hour for a waiter to be awake, but after returning to the restaurant life I promised myself I wouldn’t backslide into bad habits like sleeping until noon, skipping breakfast, late night pizza, and...

Investments

“And last but not least,” I say, wrapping up my recitation of the specials to the party on Table 34, “We have a seafood paella with lobster, shrimp, chorizo sausage, scallops, artichokes, bacon and saffron Arborio rice.” “How do you remember all those specials?” a...

Once More Unto the Breach

It’s a busy Saturday night and Café Machiavelli is packed. Waiting on a line three waiters deep to input my orders into the computer system, I watch as the food runner delivers my entrées to the customers on Table 26. Everyone beams with pleasure as the runner sets...