Thanks Ben!

Many thanks to Ben Hammersley for linking me on his excellent blog. If you have not read or seen his work – check it out. A man of singular wit, his blog should be required online reading. Thanks again Ben! I guess this means I can’t spit in his...

Critters

This Sunday night I am walking up the aisle when I hear a commotion near the front tables. A lady is shouting unintelligibly. I soon discover why. Perching on her table is Sciurus carolinensis – an American grey squirrel. He isn’t happy. “Holy fucking shit!”...

Stupid cheating husbands

You would think that if a guy cheats on his wife he’d be smart enough not to take his mistress to a restaurant him and his spouse patronize regularly. You would be wrong of course. When guys think with their dicks the IQ points start falling off. One lunch shift...

Venison Lady

It’s a busy Sunday and the place is jumping. Awaiting my delivery, three tables worth of entrees are racked and stacked in the kitchen. The pickup bell is ringing insistently. I am in the zone. The Zen-like state where I am aware of everything, no movement...

Tip like your life depends on it!

A few months ago I’m telling a table of six hotties the specials when I hear a woman shriek, “Murray! Oh my God!” I look up from the store bought titties and see an older man, half standing at his table, clutching his throat and turning bright red....

Fresh Water Ostrich Jihad

While working at Amici’s, a 200 seat hellhole in the Jersey burbs, I had the pleasure of meeting one of the biggest assholes I would ever encounter in this business – a Syrian waiter named Wahdi. A hulking, sweaty, brutish, bully; Wahdi was brought over to America by...

Some Tips

Waiting tables Tip #1—Dont wait tables while your hopped up on antihistamines! — Cheap bastard of the night award goes to-Zamir! – $12 tip on $175 check. He goes into the shitty tipper database. Thanks you social retard! (For this prestigious award I...

“TIP OR GOD SHALL SMITE THEE MOTHERFUCKER!”

An interesting tidbit of history…….. If you ever read the Bible in the original Greek (Of course you have!) you find something interesting about waiters and the early Christians in Acts 6:1. The gentile members were bitching that the Hebrew members were overlooking...

The Hitman tries to make a reservation.

Actual phone call……last year. “Good evening the Bistro. How many I help you?” “Halo, Halo?” (French accent on a cell phone) “I’m here. How may I help you?” “I am Jean Reno.” “Yes?” “I would like to reserve your entire restaurant for a private party tonight.” Its 12:00...

Sick

The Waiter is home sick today. Don’t want to get the Yuppies sick now do I? Maybe more when I feel better.