No Thumbnail

Zombies and Tacos

If you’ve ever waited tables, at some point in your nocturnal life, you’ve had a “waiter dream.” These nightmares usually share common thematic elements; you’ve got a hundred customers who all hate you, the restaurant’s layout is bizarrely different, the menu’s a hundred pages, written

No Thumbnail

Halloween Isn’t What It Used To Be

Having a baby has made 2014 a year of firsts so, when Halloween rolls around, my wife and I get into gear. After dressing Natalie up as Snow White we run over to an arts and crafts store, hit up Target for candy and go

No Thumbnail

Mischief Night

I’m on the checkout line in the supermarket when a teenaged boy comes up to me with an extra large carton of eggs. “Excuse me, sir.” he says. “Could you buy these eggs for me?” My shopping cart is loaded with stuff. “You have one

No Thumbnail

The Fires of Hell

“Stephen, dear,” Connie says. “Please refill my ice water.” I don’t even look up from my chart.  “Connie, the water machine is right over there. You’re perfectly capable of getting it.” “I’m too old. Be a nice young man and get me my water. A

No Thumbnail

Coffee,Tea and Pills

It’s 7:00 PM and I’m tired so I go into the staff room and brew a pot of coffee. Within minutes the smell of java fills the nurse’s station. Normally I take it black but, as I’ve gotten older, I like it with milk and

No Thumbnail

Carousel

I’ve got the baby all to myself and a Nor’Easter is blowing outside. If I don’t take Natalie outside for a walk she won’t take a nap. That means Daddy won’t get a nap. Not good. When there’s a lull in the storm I load

No Thumbnail

Brunch Is for Jerks?

A couple of days ago a friend of mine, an avowed foodie, texted the above picture to my cell phone. “I disagree,” I wrote back. “As do I,” he replied. “Sometimes that’s my only meal!” I like brunch, but brunch done right. Post-waiter-stress trauma makes

No Thumbnail

Clouds of Unknowing

I’m in the break room writing my notes while my coworker Jorge fiddles with his iPhone. “Check this shit out,” he says. I look up from my paperwork. My younger colleagues are very enamored with their smartphones. “What?” I say. “Siri,” Jorge says. “What planes

No Thumbnail

Decade

Waiter Rant is ten years old today. If you told me when I wrote that first post that it would lead to book deals, the NYT Bestseller List, Oprah, The Today Show and hundreds of radio and print interviews I would have said you were

No Thumbnail

Nice Guy

It’s a cold December night and I’m taking my co-worker Tamisha home. She missed her bus and I don’t want her waiting at a bus stop freezing and alone. What can I say? I’m a nice guy. “You sure you know the way?” I say,