Monthly Archives: January 2006

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Advertising

Customers are always leaving business cards, religious tracts, and other sundry items in the checkbook or on the hostess stand. Usually too poor or desperate to afford a decent advertising budget, they resort to foisting their shit on me. Here are some of my favorites.

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Trading Spaces

Are stories about waiters suddenly hip? I must’ve not gotten the memo. Imagine my surprise when I opened up the New York Times this morning to read that their vaunted food critic, Frank Bruni, stepped down from his critical perch, strapped on an apron, and

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Cannellini Lady

A female patron, who’s very drunk, is staring at her menu in the deluded expectation that it will divine her gustatory predilections and pick out something for her. I’ve never seen a menu do that. Perhaps if she was tripping on acid….. “Madam?” I prod

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Gloria Cubano

The customer pushes his plate away, dabs his mouth with a linen napkin, and waves me over. “All done sir?” I ask. “Yes,” he replies, “That was great, as always.” “Glad you enjoyed it sir.” “Just bring me an espresso and the check,” the man

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Frail Bark

The woman on table 23 lost her child a few months ago. Cancer. I haven’t seen her in months. She’s eating with friends. They’re talking about nothing which is supposed to distract her from thinking about everything. They finish and pay the bill. The mother

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Treasure

“Good evening and welcome to The Bistro,” I cheerfully greet my new arrivals, a middle aged couple ensconced in the best table in the house. “Can I get you something from the bar?” “We’ll have wine,” the husband says. “We have an excellent selection,” I

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Poop Happens

The lunch rush has ended. Except for a couple of drunken lunching ladies, the restaurant’s empty. The staff’s in the back busily devouring their lunch. Smells like Ernesto made tacos today. I’ve already eaten. I’m up by the front window sipping a cappuccino and reading

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I Got a Raise!

On New Year’s Eve I got a raise – courtesy of the Great State of New York. At the stroke of midnight the minimum wage for tipped employees (that’s me) went from $3.85 to $4.35 an hour. After taxes that comes out to a little