Monthly Archives: May 2005

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Gristle

My friend Lana and I are enjoying cocktails at Nice Matin on West 79th. After dealing with crazed yuppies all week it’s nice to sit down and be taken care of for a change. The place serves Mediterranean French cuisine. Good. I’m sick of Italian

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Sparrow

I’m standing outside. I hear a bird chirping. I look down. It’s is a baby sparrow. His song is fearful. A weakling, he’s been tossed out of the nest. His siblings watch from above. “Better you than me,” they seem to be saying. I reach

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Get Out

“I love you,” the woman says dreamily. “No, I love you more,” the man replies. “How much more?” she giggles reaching across the table to take his hand. “More than anything in the world,” he sighs. It’s way past closing. The Bistro’s empty. The staff

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Waiter Axioms

Anyone who wants a table a half hour before closing is an asshole. If a customer never says “Please” or “thank you” during the course of the meal you’re getting 15% or less. If a customer pays with the Discover Card – your tips probably

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Thank God for Aprons

“Waiter what would you recommend? The swordfish or the tuna?” the redhead on table twenty three asks me. “The swordfish is excellent tonight,” I offer. “How thick is the swordfish?” Red asks looking up. Our eyes meet. There’s a spark of electricity between us. We

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Call me Elton

“Waiter, has any one ever told you that you look like Elton John?” “No sir,” I say looking down my nose at the customer. “I mean a young Elton John,” the man adds quickly, realizing I’m not flattered by the comparison. “That’s a new one

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Milk Hormones

Gerald and I are conversing by the coffee station at the start of shift. “My friend’s daughter’s ten and she’s already menstruating,” he says. “Ten?” I gasp in surprise, “isn’t that a little early?” “Unbelievable ain’t it?” “Man, girls are hitting puberty younger and younger,”

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Coffee, Feng Shui, & Hope

It’s a slow lunch. Too kill time, Gwen, the lunch waitress is doing a Feng Shui analysis of my apartment. “You see here,” Gwen says pointing to my clumsily doodled floor plan, “your creativity corner is strong. But your money and love energies are going

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Doomed

“Fluvio wants you,” Maria, the busgirl, shouts. “Tell him I didn’t do it whatever it is,” I shout over the din, frantically trying to assemble ten cappuccinos. “He wants to know why your table outside’s pissed off,” Maria continues. “What?” “They said you’re a horrible

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No Mas

I’m standing on the shore of a tropical island when a beautiful blonde in skimpy white bikini emerges from the surf like Venus Rising from the sea. I admire her long legs as she sashays suggestively towards me. “Hi,” she says breathlessly. “Hello.” “Aren’t you