Monthly Archives: March 2005

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Hamburgers and God

I’m heading in for work when my stomach starts to growl. I didn’t eat much of a breakfast so I stop at the local fast food joint and grab a burger to go. When I arrive at the Bistro I realize I have a few

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Now I’m a Thief

“Hello, the Bistro. How may I help you?” “Yeah, I want to talk to the manager,” an angry voice sputters. “I’m the manager. How can I be of assistance?” I reply sweetly. “One of your waiters ripped me off last night!” the man yells. Oh

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Tsunami

I’m lying outside on the beach sunning myself. I can hear the surf pound the shore. I take a pull on my beer. I’m relaxed and content. Life is good. All of a sudden my mother stands over me blocking the sun, “You’re going to

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It ain’t Shakespeare…….

Most restaurant patrons only see the “front of the house.” The dining room. But if you push on past the hushed tones, obsequious smiles, and culinary kabuki, you’ll find yourself backstage. This is where the real work of a restaurant is done. A rabbit warren

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The Madding Crowd

A lot of people think waiters are poster boys for bad behavior. The archetype of the arrogant French waiter is a perfect example. We’re often characterized as mean, patronizing, vindictive, food inseminating malcontents. Well, sometimes that may be true – but it doesn’t hold a

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The Sour and The Cheap

“The computer’s not working,” Arlene informs me. Ugh. Our state of the art POS system has froze up again. I go over to the touch screen and tap the glass gingerly. NO INPUT SIGNAL the screen flashes woefully. “Open the pod bay doors Hal,” I

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Vertigo

Larry Mullen, the drummer from the band U2, is a regular at my bistro. Unassuming, polite, and a good tipper, he comes in with his family whenever he’s in the States. They’re completely normal nice people. We have a good policy regarding celebrities at the

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Social Darwinist Dead Enders

I don’t like to talk about politics on my blog. When you’re a waiter you don’t alienate customers (and reduce your tips) by saying you like or dislike any particular political party. My bistro is a bi-partisan affair. The only political figures we like to

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CNN

A reader wrote telling me Waiter Rant was mentioned on CNN. It turns out that Jeanne Moos did a story entitled “Wrath of the Waiters” for her program “Making the Moost of It.” She mentioned my website by name and showed a screen shot of

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The Heimlich Position

Sex is part of the restaurant business. Think about it. Eating and sex are both activities physically linked to the emotion governing limbic system of the brain. How often have you heard someone describe the taste of food as “orgasmic?” Enjoyment of food often leads