Can’t a brother just look at some ass?
It’s 5:00 pm on Saturday and the joint is filling up fast. I walk outside to grab a quick smoke before all hell breaks loose. Puffing away I spy a spandex clad girl jogging towards me. Ah, I smile inwardly; I’m in for a treat – its Gym Babe.
Gym Babe, a tall, twenty five year old, drop dead gorgeous brunette, whose health club chiseled body defies attempts at description, runs past my place every day. This girl has been known to cause traffic accidents. I never miss a chance to see her.
Now I’m pushing forty, so acting like a slobbering teenage schoolboy is beneath my dignity. That’s ok. I’ve long since mastered the art of scoping chicks without making it look like I’m scoping chicks.
I turn away, face the picture window fronting the street, and catch her reflection as she flashes past. Mmmm nice. I reverse spin, flip my butt into the street, grab a glimpse of her spandex covered rump, send a prayer of thanks heavenwards, and continue my turn back towards the front door…….
……..when I come face to face with an angry looking bald man.
WHUMP! I feel a tremendous blow to the chest. I’m wondering “Why am I looking up at the sky?” when, with a crash, I land on my back, tumble over a few times, and come to a stop in the street.
Bleeding, I leap to my feet. Pumped full of adrenalin I find my attacker. A short, bald, heavily muscled man, muttering to himself, “That’s what you get motherfucker. That’s what you get.” as he walks away.
A demonic voice rushes into my ears. “KILL!” it thunders. My vision tunnels. I acquire my target. I step forward, ready to dish out some serious hurt.
Then, screeching down from the heavens, my good angel rushes to my side and whispers urgently into my ear,
“Fighting never solved anything.”
“Oh no. Not you again.” I say to my Celestial Jiminy Cricket.
“Listen. You will only escalate the level of violence and make a bad situation worse. It’s not worth getting hurt or arrested over.” she lectures.
“Screw you.” I reply.
“He’s bigger than you. He’ll kick your ass.” she warns
Angel has a point.
While I’m having this little supernatural moment, a meter maid, seeing the whole incident, calls the police, and chases down my assailant in his Parking Authority golf cart. The police arrive in seconds and take Baldy into custody.
It turns out Baldy is a 45 year old misfit on disability who lives at home with mom. His only occupation is working out – explaining why he could toss my 200 pound ass into the street like a rag doll. The reason he did it?
I “dissed” him by getting in his way.
Baldy gets a ticket for misdemeanor harassment and goes home. I bandage my wounds, swallow my pride, and head back indoors. It was a tough shift that night.
The next day I’m back at work. Looking around to make sure the coast is clear I go out to have a smoke. As I light up, Gym Babe runs right past me.
Since I’m caught off guard I have no time for my patented smooth move chick scoping maneuvers. I just gawk.
Gym Babe looks over her shoulder, smiles slyly at me, and waves saying “Caught ya!”
I’m left standing on the sidewalk slobbering like a teenage schoolboy.